Ok back to the grind so to speak. Yes I wrote about my lovely colonoscopy and all that it entailed– yeah I went there. Well, I then had the worse vertigo that I have had in years. I guess my body didn’t know how to react to be emptied out. I have been called the queen of BS for a long time and well guess that threw my body a curveball to be minus some of the BS. My world has been topsy turvey since Friday. Have you ever had vertigo? It is like you have been to a party and didn’t get to drink the wine! No fun.
My poor mom had to be my chauffer twice this week. What would I do without my mom? I have been on my own for a long time and it is hard to be depending on someone to drive me. I am so thankful for her. For years I have said I will be the sad woman who has to have an uber drive her as I get older to take me to these kinds of appointments. My son doesn’t drive, my daughter is away to school. My sister works and well, in times of sickness or being out of comission, one realizes how alone they can be. Don’t get me wrong, I had well-wishes from close friends and who checked on me, and I had my family. Some I texted my well-being to because I didn’t hear from them. It was just a silly colonoscopy, but still sometimes I liked to be cared about too. Sometimes it seems your circle can get smaller. That is a good thing but also sad. Sometimes you are willing to go that extra mile, be there for some, do what you can, and well the sentiment isn’t returned. I know you have felt this, we all have. It plain sucks.
Times like this honestly make me feel very lonely. I think I am even more acutely aware since my dad passed away. These past 5 months I have hurt quite a bit, saw people for who they really are, realizing that sometimes I don’t mean as much to some as they do to me. Mom and dad were always a team. Protective of each other when one was sick, always there for each other. My parents have always been there for me. I realize that I have never known that part of a relationship. Even in my marriage, I handled being sick on my own. After both of my kids were born and I was recovering from a cesarean section, my now ex would somehow contract poison ivy on his arms and he just couldn’t help with the baby. I got the flu, he got it worse. I had pre term labor with our second child, he switched jobs and worked second shift. My family has always stood in the gap and I am beyond thankful. Still makes me sad that I have never felt that from a partner like what I have witnessed with mom and dad. It has made me resilient and stronger though and well there should always be a bright light in this world.
If you happen to be married or in a relationship, please cherish it. Be there for that person in the good and bad times. Be that person that is willing to hold back her hair while she throws up or bring him soup when he has a cold. Same thing in a friendship. Check on each other, lift each other up. Don’t play that game of, ‘well she hasn’t checked on me so I won’t check on her’. Or you check on someone just to get the sordid details of what is going on and have nothing to offer. We all see each other’s lives just at face value. We can’t begin to imagine the battles people may face, the fears they have and what they may need. I know it ripped my Mom’s heart out to go to the chemo and radiation treatments with dad, but she went. That is what you do. My dad was there caring for mom when she had surgeries and illness. They were there for each other when they lost their parents, there for deaths of siblings and births of neices and nephews and their own grandchildren. I am beginning to think they are the rarity. We live in such a selfish world and self-serve attitudes that maybe they are the rare gems in the bunch of shiny fool’s gold. I realize how much I want that in my life. I want to be like them. I want to have a person to treat me the way they treated each other and for me to be that person to someone else. This isn’t a romance novel fantasy like I wrote about. This is real life.
I have some in my life who will message hey and then the dialogue is all about them. Their life, their drama, their hurts. And then finally a half hearted, ‘how are you?’ It doesn’t have to be all about me and I am old enough to realize that. I am also old enough to realize that you can be a friend of convenience or an acquaintance but not someone who they want to go deeper with. I don’t do well in the shallows. If I am your friend, or whatever term you want to call me. I am there for all aspects. The shallows and the deep stuff. I don’t do well with pretend.
All of our relationships are important. Be it romantic, friendships, family. It is important to let people in your life know they matter. That you care what is going on. Only if it is to see if you pooped your brains out or just are you ok? Those of us that are not married have a challenge of navigating surgeries and car issues and well just everyday emergencies than those who have that spouse. Yes, even when I was married I did alot on my own, but I knew he was there. My parents helped alot even back then as far as childcare for my kids, helping my ex with household improvements, etc. They have just always been there. With my dad gone, it hits really hard about mortality. My daughter had car problems at college and I thought I would call dad. But he can’t get that call. I lost power in the upstairs of our townhouse a couple months ago, at like 2AM. My first thought was to call dad and then just stand in the garage and cry. Then I think if I am feeling this what is my mom feeling? She lost her man, her husband, her person. And then for an overwhelming moment I feel very alone. It feels out of control and scary and lonely. And again, if I feel that, then I can’t imagine what she feels. What those of you feel that have lost your love, your family member, your child. It all makes you look at a bigger picture. How do you feel when this comes barreling down on you?
So being on Meclizine all weekend and unable to turn to the left without the whole world crumbling, I am humbled again as my mom and sister stood in the gap again. Taking me to the doctor and for prescriptions. Realizing with me still not being well, my son still needed me to feed us and be here if he needed me. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself. Just stating facts. Have you ever felt any of this? Have you ever wanted to disappear into that romance novel that has a maid, cook and chauffeur to help you out? That you had that person to bring you that cool cloth when you are hugging the porcelain throne? Do you need to be that person for someone? Be that person who is just there through the long night. Being sick is no fun and you have to lose independence to be safe, but it makes you look at yourself and others. It makes you want to be better and not bitter in your relationships. It makes you yearn for more than what you have and not discounting the blessings of what you do have. It makes you value people more and realize you should be valued. It makes you feel scared for what the future holds as you navigate this world.
So in this month of love and relationships, how about we be a bit kinder? We maybe see someone’s lot in life in a different field of vision. That we reach out and uplift when we can. That we strive to be a little less selfish and a little more selfless. I know I have my share of things to work on, I am old enough to admit that. I get lost in the demands of job and home and sometimes I flake out on being a good friend. Maybe we each work a bit harder and be a little bit kinder and maybe we talk to ourselves a little bit nicer. We all have fears, we all have drama and issues, we all can be selfish and we all can feel alone. How about less of ourselves and more of others? Just a thought. And I know my thoughts are always a conundrum and probably even more with vertigo. The world goes around and so do my thoughts. If you are in my life, I promise I will be less selfish and more selfless. Now guess I better get this self ready for work and try to stay in my own lane on the way there!! Happy Monday and if I haven’t told you lately, I do love you❤
