Well Valentines day has come and gone. Everyone still feeling the love or is it back to life pre the day of cupid and love? My hope is some of you are still feeling the love, I am a hopeless romantic. I hope some of you love yourself no matter what, that the feeling of love still prevails. Okay, disclaimer here…I have been under the weather for a couple of days and now on steroids, a deadly combination for a filter to be disengaged. You have been warned. So just to clarify…I am a woman so I will see things from a womanly perspective, yet still see a man’s point of view. I work in women’s health, so I talk to women all day long in different states of life and challenges. I am on some interesting social media pages where so many things are discussed. I have been married, I have tried the dating scene as a woman of a certain age, I know a few things and well, I am going to bore you with said thoughts and knowledge. You have been warned but be brave and stay awhile, throw in your two cents worth, laugh a lot, cry a little and think for a bit.
I am here to tell you, I have made so many mistakes in the world of life and love. Yep, I am not too proud to admit that. I hear so many stories, challenges, hurts and celebrations everyday. For one of the most natural, desired relationships, the one of the romantic nature can be the hardest. We all know the book about how we hail from different planets, we have all seen the talk shows, listened to the podcasts, talked with our moms, our girlfriends, ourselves. So many thoughts so I might as well throw in mine.
There was a post recently shared about how men have lost their masculinity. We women are supposedly wanting skinny jean wearing meterosexuals and not the rugged man. This has to be those younger women in that demographic surveyed. Give me a man who has rough hands from working hard yet gentle when he holds you, that he knows how to fix things or do things that require skill while he brings you wildflowers. A man that is a man’s man but knows how to make a woman a priority. But I digress. I think we as women and a society have taken away the masculinity that should exist as much as our next breath. We want male girlfriends, we want them to carry our purse, use more hair products then we do, we want them to be so emotional we become the unfeeling party. We want to be the boss. I have been accused of being bossy. I choose to look at it this way….you present a problem or concern, well Susie sunshine here is going to help find a solution and help you. But I have an odd view of relationships I guess. This post spoke of how men protect their women, provide for their family, that they are men. We have forgotten how to appreciate that. Some women look at a man as a bank account, a sugar daddy, an ends to a mean. You get the picture. When did we stop appreciating the men in our lives? Now with that being said, some men appreciate themselves so much they don’t need your adoration or much else for that matter. These men are emotionally unavailable or love themselves more than you could ever love them. The majority of men should be appreciated, they should be recognized as men. I have had some amazing examples of relationships, marriage and the work involved. Sacrifices made for one another, communication, moments of services, words of affirmation, laughter and a whole lot more. Women may be upset when I say this, but we have begun to think so highly that we can do without a man, well we have chased the real ones away, in my humble opinion. Now don’t jump on me yet, let me explain.
I think if a woman does the same job as a man, they should make the same salary. I think that women are more than an HR quota, sure will look pretty in the office pictures, a token hire. I can also say that there are jobs men can do I can’t and I am not so prideful that I can’t admit that. Same thing as there are some jobs we as women can’t do that a man can. There are physical differences, strength differences, different talents and abilities. That doesn’t make me less of a woman or him more of a man. It is just facts. Women can get pregnant via insemination from sperm donors, gain sexual pleasure without the help of a man’s touch, they can do something that in the past, we only thought a man could do—buy a car, buy a house, drive fast and safely, heck even grow a mustache and underarm hair. We continue to put men in a box and far out of reach. I can honestly say I haven’t looked at a man as a bank account or what he can give me. Now I will admit I check out his hands lol. I will admit flowers or cards or thoughtful gestures make me melt. My ex husband worked in warehouse work, he had a hard time dealing with my salary as a nurse compared to his. I looked at being a nurse, and still do, as a calling. When we were first married I worked three jobs for a bit. I thought I was doing my part, working hard for us. Maybe I took away some of his masculinity and maybe I was trying too hard back then. I couldn’t keep the pace for long and the third job went away ( GYN office during the day, family doctor’s office a couple nights a week and peds office on the weekend. Family doctor’s office was too much to add and I worked both jobs until I was pregnant with our son) We had a joint account, it was our money, our bills. We did assume traditional roles in our marriage when it came to household chores. He was cuter all sweaty from mowing the grass versus me looking like my face would bleed, my hair became like a woolly sheep and my grass lines were uneven. (Side note yard work is something with manly pride. After my ex left, and he left due to anger, alcohol, abuse and I honestly think a midlife crisis. I put the baby to nap, my son in charge and marched my fluffy behind outside to mow the grass. I was proud of my accomplishment until my dad came over and touched up my lines in the yard. My dad didn’t let us girls mow the yard as he was particular about that. To see him mow the yard again would be a blessing God rest his soul.) But in those early years, seeing my ex work with his hands, the sweat the being a man was something I enjoyed and appreciated. Strong hands, veins popping I better stop there. He could mow an amazing yard and I could cook a good meal and have a freshly made bed with clean sheets. Life wasn’t always bad in our marriage but we lost our way. We had no social media to validate who was right or wrong OR to hide our relationship afraid someone would find out. We had the role models of our parents but we had a two income household that was different than our younger years. Life was different than when we grew up. I can honestly say I didn’t want him to be less of a man. I wanted him to lead our household, to be there for the good and the bad. Same thing when I have dated. I didn’t want any man feel less of a man, but I didn’t want to lose my self worth along the way. And sometimes you can over love, over hype a man. You lift him up so much, it becomes about him and you disappear. Or you get caught in the cycle of resentment, withold physical intimacy and then infidelity shows up. Why does it all have to be so hard? I hear more stories of it being hard and few stories of amazing love with a few speed bumps but not run away truck ramps.
This quote in the beginning was about the exchange of power. Another one has said treat him like a king and he will make you his queen. Well, giving that power, to be vulnerable for men can be hard. Treating someone like a king when he has acted like a joker is challenging. You being a queen when you have acted like a chamber maid or concubine is also a challenge. Men should be free to be who they need to be. They shouldn’t have to tuck in that masculinity to fit in, nor should he endanger the family jewels to get in those skinny jeans. Men don’t need to lord over their power, become controlling or abusive, they can cry and show emotion and yet be a burly lumberjack. They need to be vulnerable with their partner and never lose sight of who they are while they let that woman in their life. Another thought in the dating world. I have seen several posts about this as well. If a man is interested in you, he will pursue you, he will not make excuses as to why he can’t see you, he will move heaven and earth to let you know you matter. We as women feel the need to help the men along. I have been guilty of this. He hasn’t text me, maybe I should text him, let him know he is on my mind. Maybe I should be more available, maybe I should wait for the crumbs because hopefully they will be hungry and bring the whole cake. (That word picture just went wrong lol). We hunt men as much as they hunt us. I want a man to pursue me (and not to throw me in a white van or a trunk) but to show me he is interested. I can promise you it will be more than appreciated. Think about things back in long ago hisyorical time. You traveled to the ball, the lunches, the social scene Women flushed with anticipation, corsets belying what laid underneath. The men so taken with her beauty and social graces and standing he filled up her dance card and calling card. (Yes I watched that popular show on a streaming service recently). But you get the point. She may have been coy with the flip of her fan, dropped her handkerchief, flashed a little ankle….and the rest was history. They didn’t know each other well, they navigated life outside the romantic bubble but that relationship went beyond the bedroom. They had no internet, no smart phones, no distractions yet the running of a home and business and each other. They actually had to talk to each other, they actually appreciated each other. Hmmm….
Now to women. Women we have lost sight of ourselves. We have forgotten how to be feminine, we give patience to everyone else but our man. We expect him to read our minds. We forget that sometimes we are just as attractive with our hair in a ponytail and sweats, yet when we fix ourselves up, it is for him and ourself. We forget to forgive ourselves for how tired we are. We forget that we have given a part of ourselves to everyone all day long and want to snap at our man when he needs us too. We have become a group of women who can overshare, we nit pick our partners and ourselves. Passive aggressive memes and posts, turning a cold shoulder and locked up tight like a chastity belt and we flushed the key. We want communication but can’t ask for it. We want romance and foreplay and feel men should pick up that vibe we are laying down. We get frustrated for all the roles we play in our life that those strong hands of your partner feel intrusive. And just going to say this….real women aren’t porn stars, women aren’t stepford wives. They have thoughts, sometimes random, we love sex but porn doesn’t always represent reality–and that goes both ways if you know what I mean. Women change. Their bodies change, their hormones change. The outward shell doesn’t look like the young woman you once knew. But man is her soul amazing, her heart is capable of all kinds of love, her brain is complex and smart, her arms feel like home when she wraps you in that hug and her lips can still zap you with butterflies, her sexual appetite may change but I promise there is a hidden goddess in there wanting to be recognized. The same as the superhero wants to don his cape and well maybe not the tights. Perhaps a kilt… hmmm. We act tough yet we forget our own vulnerability. We over apologize, we overthink. Some have said we have needy tendencies. Here is a thought, if your man recognized what you were saying versus of thinking it as a personal attack and you saw them as a human being and not as a genie in the bottle, well damn, we would have this relationship thing figured out.
I read somewhere men want to be respected to be loved and women want to be heard to be loved. You quit respecting him and he quits listening and love walks out the door. Love truly is an action and not always a noun or a feeling. Men need that respect, they need to know they are appreciated and cared for. Now some men don’t respond well to this. Some feel it is smothering. Guess they never had someone love them the way they needed to be loved. On the same token, a woman shouldn’t sacrifice on the love she needs to receive because he chooses not to listen to what she needs. If your woman is being needy, what is your role in that? Ignoring her, let her keep saying what she needs and gets empty promises in return? Is she wanting your attention? Well dang, she must like you and want to be with you, that is just so pesky! Is she your cheerleader, confidant, sounding board during trials yet she just wants to know you will be there for her as well? Is she giving you so much respect that there is no WE just ME? And women, is he loved starved and comes up behind you while you are fixing dinner and you fuss he is invading your space and move away from him? Do you ignore his love languages because you are secretly pissed he forgot your first date anniversary, left the toilet seat up and passed gas and held your head under the covers….all could be true stories…. Do you both push each other so far away that you give up and don’t fight for what could be? See both sides are having issues. And when someone doesn’t feel validated, appreciated, respected, well in our digital world there will be someone waiting to soothe those ruffled feathers, stroke that ego and fill up that love tank. Until the cycle repeats itself again. I have been in those cycles where past hurts and hangups prevented healing and happiness. My ex moved in with a female coworker 6 months after we separated, refused help with anger, and I threw myself into my kids and survival and fears of never feeling loved again. Sometimes some relationships are beyond repair, sometimes people are so far gone from who they are they don’t know how to get back there. It happens on both sides. Sometimes we think if I had done more, been thinner, been the pornstar he thought he needed, if he could have been the leading man from the romance novel. The list goes on and you get it.
I have some Godly women I know that have given me examples of how I want to be if I am blessed to love again. One gets up in the wee morning hours to pack his lunch, make him breakfast and sees him off to work. He in turn rubs her feet, her shoulders after a long work day. They both give themselves to their partner not out of guilt but out of pure love, care and compassion. I encourage young moms to not forget themselves with new babies and husbands. Set up date nights, make a routine, time as a couple. You were brought together as a couple, through work and careers, household chores, children..all fluid in changes, you are still a couple through those changes. Spontaneous intimacy becomes less, schedule sexy time becomes a reality. Help her with the chores and she will drop that tshirt faster than a sports car hits 60. Tell him he is appreciated and respected, and he will smack that behind when you walk through the store laying claim you are his. Let him be a man, tell him what you need, tell him your hopes and dreams, your anxiety and triggers. Same for him, let him know you are his safe harbor, you are a helpmate, you respect him for him. Give them a card for no reason, plan a special date, flowers for her, aftershave for him. Sexy panties for you both, promises of shoulder rubs and boys nights. We are both trying to be in control we forget what we are fighting control for. There becomes no exchange in power, just one side becomes powerful and the other side becomes less and resentment builds. We sometimes lose our way and no GPS will take us back.
I don’t have all the answers. I have messed up things in my life. I could have put a different foot forward in my marriage, he could have as well. I loved my kids with all I had and that was hard for him. He didn’t realize how big my heart could be and I didn’t realize how his heart could be closed off. I wish I had used my voice more. Spoke up and asked for what I needed and listened harder to what he needed. It wasn’t always bad, we lost our way. I tried to love our kids as much as the two of us could love them. I think he loved the kids, but only to a certain point. When things got hard, he didn’t know what to do. Our son went through so many evaluations and was diagnosed on the spectrum. He didn’t know how to interact or respond with him. It was hard, my son is the sweetest man you would ever meet, but he was strong willed child, struggled and still does in social situations. My ex didn’t know what to do, so I took over. It wasn’t our son’s fault, it wasn’t our fault this happened. It was the card we were dealt. He is high functioning with a learning disability. BUT that isn’t all he is, he is more. My daughter was a delight from the get go, thumb sucking, inquisitive little thing whose big brother looked after her and wanted to keep her safe. My in laws tolerated our kids, we were the only one of their children and family that lived here/close by. I think that was too close for comfort. My parents lived here as well. My parents loved us, they watched our kids so we both could work, my dad was there to help in what he could (he helped us close in a carport to make a den), he tried to build that relationship with my ex. My in laws didn’t participate much, it was a formal obligation. I probably rocked that apple cart a bit. I refused to convert to catholicism (when I got married I wasn’t saved but knew I couldn’t convert to a religion I didn’t understand nor sign a paper that agreed to raise our kids as catholics, that was strike one. By the was I was saved 25 years ago and baptized, that was another demerit in their eyes). I refused to have an open bar at our reception as I had attended some of their family weddings and I witnessed first hand what occured and that wasn’t what I wanted for my reception or for the part of my family that didn’t drink. His relatives made fun of our champagne and punch fountains and looked down on our ‘simple town, simple wedding’. Probably the final nail is when I didn’t want them to baby sit our kids. I won’t go into all the details, but I had been at their house enough to know what cocktail hour brought and the fall out and these were our babies. I will say in all those instances, we discussed each and everything, we agreed with each other but they only saw me as the responsible party. He had a hard time choosing between us at times. His responsibilty to his parents and his responsibilty to me. There is so much I would tell that young me now. Even later in life, the same thing has happened where there was me and then there was his mom but always separate. Makes me sound like a hag. I am far from that. After high school I had my first serious boyfriend and his mom to this day, is the sweetest woman to me. He is still my friend. Sometimes, men handle the women in their life differently. I know if I had used my voice, listened more, had a biblical base for our marriage, it could have been so different. When I became saved and went to church, that was hard for him. He went to church some but felt guilty as it wasn’t catholic, it was the other side of the spectrum as a southern baptist. When I was baptized, he didn’t come to church. He told me I disrupted family time when I went to church since we worked all week. I wanted him to feel what I felt. I wanted him to lead our house. Then I realized no matter what I wanted I couldn’t change it for him. I stayed exhausted with work and juggling our son’s needs with school and IEP meetings, and then a baby. I will admit I chose sleep over sex. I tried to make our house a home and he became more isolated. He would stay up and drink while I crawled in bed alone. I have made up my mind, years later, that I didn’t want to feel that alone again. That I didn’t want to go to bed alone and wake up even more alone. Anyways, that was a load of verbal vomit. I say all this to be an example of how the exchange of power failed.
Maybe that is over sharing, maybe you have quit reading by now, but if you are still here, let me wrap it up. You young ones starting relationships and marriage….listen to each other, respect him and he should listen to you. Don’t lose yourself and be overwhelmed with life responsibilities that you forget it is a life for you both. Don’t be so lost in social media that you forget to keep writing your love story, for the two of you not for the whole world. Don’t forget to spoil each other, a simple text, start her car for her, make his lunch, bring her flowers just because, make him his favorite meal or go to his favorite restaurant. Schedule date nights, they are just as vital as any other obligations. Realize those vows you will take where you cling to each other, that you put God first, spouse second then children then everyone else. Laugh with each other and at each other. For you older ones who have survived divorce, loss of your spouse or partner or have never been in a relationship, love you. Know what you want and know what you deserve. Some will never date again after the death of a spouse, some will feel they are unworthy of love after a failed marriage (and marriages with infidelity really mess with that mindset). You are worthy. You have reached a point where you know how to communicate, find the one who listens, you have life experiences and baggage, find someone who will be there for the unpacking stage and pack it full of new memories. Find the one where the exchange of power makes you both feel worthy, cherished and loved all the time, not when it is convenient. So, I have over shared, I have babbled long enough. What do you think and how does this make you feel? Wanna run for the hills or run into someone’s arms? Be vulnerable, be real, be you and accept him as being real. Life is too short for half way love, half attempts, half truth. You and your inner goddess deserve the whole cake and not just the crumbs.