Why does time seem to fly by so fast yet move so slow? How can 2 weeks feel like 2 years? How can life continue at the same pace when you feel like it needs to slow down? How do your kids grow up so fast, your life changes in a blink of an eye and yet life marches forward? If you can answer these questions completely, you are amazing! Do you have these same thoughts and feelings? I bet each and everyone of us has experienced this. Heartbreak, sadness, overwhelming grief, joy so sweet your heart is full, feelings of amazement and pride, and love– always love.
It has been almost 3 weeks since my dad passed away. It has felt like time exisits in a time warp. It feels like time has a different feeling. You feel like a piece of your heart is missing yet you keep pushing out the next heart beat. Sometimes the grief pushes down so hard that your chest feels heavy and your mind sluggish. Memories come flooding back of all stages of your life. Shock of the events leading to his death, worries you gave him the comfort and dignity to leave this earth and into the arms of Jesus. Just when you think you can try to wrangle your grief, you see grief through the eyes of your mom, your sister, your kids, your Aunts and Uncles and all the people whose life he played a role in. The memories they each carry, the sadness, their thoughts.
Now as I write this, it isn’t for drama or attention or anything else. It is a purge of thoughts and feelings. Honestly this post may ramble as my thoughts are all over the place, so my apologies in advance. I am not the only person who has lost someone they have loved. I have lost family members before my dad, and that grief was just as raw then. Grief is just more raw now. I have very dear people to me who have lost parents, a child, a spouse and they still hurt and yet they are some of the bravest, strongest people I know.
It just seems a death and grief in our society is a speed bump. So hard to start over the speed bump and the expectation is to hurry it up, get over that bump and move on. Well some speed bumps need to be navigated differently. If you rush over that speed bump, you knock your car out of alignment. If you go to slowly, you don’t get the momentum to crest that speed bump. If you dont slow down and hit that speedbump to quickly, you slam that front end and your shocks take a huge impact. So why is grief any different? It really isn’t. Everyone deals with grief differently. Society expects us to deal with it differently. Society isn’t seeing your drive through the same windshield, over your speedbumps. These speed bumps pop up in our lives. If you are living, you will have these speed bumps. It is how we approach the speed bumps and navigate these bumps makes us as humans and forms a part of us.
The thing is, speed bumps can be hard, can pop up at the most unexpected times in the day, can leave alignment scars on our hearts and souls. It seems society recognizes our loss but expects us to punch back into work, punch back into responsibility and life. When someone so immediate in your life dies, there is the disbelief they are gone; their laugh, their voice, their warmth. Then you have to step up and plan a funeral. A celebration of their life, a memorial to the person they were. The cost of a funeral, the grief, the people, the food. Keep a list of people who brought food, cards, flowers. Comforting those who mourn with you, seeing the face of the person you loved through everyone elses eyes. The disbelief they are gone from your physical presence. The funeral, the graveside, walking in that door to realize they aren’t there. Then the financial demands, more so when you have lost a spouse or child. Seeing my mom have to accept that her husband of 52 years was gone yet having to look at their whole life and be in charge of all the financial ramifications. Talk about having a foot in both worlds and being stuck on top of that speed bump? Then the quiet that insues after the final amen, the last of the flowers, food and people. Then the next day and the next. The expectations everyone has, the needs that have to be met, the responsibility that doesn’t go away, the beginning of never ending advice for the next step. So how do you navigate this? One day at a time, one step at a time, one heartbeat at a time.
Knowing your own grief and all your thoughts and feelings and how hard it is to wrap my mind around my dad being gone. Knowing he worked so hard his whole life, knowing he loved me in his own way, knowing how much he loved my kids and was the man in their lives, knowing I was there when he went from this earthly home to his heavenly home and the sadness to see him take his last breath. Then I look at my mom’s grief of losing the man she loved and built a life with and how she is navigating life without him. Then I look at my sister, who has the shared memories of our childhood and memories of time spent with dad that was different from mine. Then I see my kids and see how they are navigating their first huge loss in their lives. How they cope with their loss but still trying to navigate life. Each person navigating their grief, this gaping loss of a man that meant so much to us each in different ways. Each one navigating this speed bump of grief. I see my parents through different lenses. The strength they had when they lost their parents, their siblings and yet they stood in the gap for us as well. I see my mom and my heart aches for her, my mind can’t comprehend and my eyes weep. To think of the memories I have of dad, her memories are even more precious of moments they shared, of love expressed, of challenges faced and just being there. I haven’t been blessed with a marriage like theirs, to have a constant in my life, and this journey for her is not one I will know. What bravery and vulnerabilty to bear one’s soul, to open one’s heart to share love and make a life with. The hurt is deep and will not heal quickly, but to have shared such a life of speed bumps is such a blessing. My mom is such a blessing. Navigating her hurt yet being there for us sisters and her grandchildren.
So all these thoughts and feelings from my one little family. Then my mind goes to those experiencing a loss at this very moment. To those very dear to me who have lost a child, I can’t begin to imagine your journey, the speed bumps you have experienced, the loss your arms feel and the heart that still loves. To those I know who have lost their parents, their spouses, grandparents, the memories they hold just as dear. We could each get lost in a whirlpool of sadness. Pulling us to the vortex of grief and despair. But then life pulls us from the vortex. There is someone who needs us, bills to pay, work to show up for, the next step, the next day, the next speed bump waits for us.
There is no time limit to grief, no master plan or advice on how to go through this unscathed, no right or wrong way to grieve. Just like everyone navigates that speed bump, each goes their own way each having their own consequences on the alignment of their car, of their life, their journey. I will admit while you are in this time frame, you can get aggravated that life and people want you to show up, that sometimes they don’t want to hear your pain or your journey, that they want you to step right back into your role when all you want is to be left in your own thoughts and grief. That you want to scream out what you want from life. That you don’t want to be that friend to give advice, that strong person to be there for someone who needs help, that worker that steps right back up to the super full plate. That all you want is to be close to your mom and sister and kids, that you want to sit with the person special to you watching a movie, that you want to be held. Then you have qualms of being selfish to want what you want. That you have to be the person you were before that loss, that time marches on and you have to step back into life. No matter how much time you have off from work, from life– no amount of time is ever enough. So you put your big girl panties back on and start to climb back over that speed bump to the other side. Knowing your heart is still at the beginning of that speed bump. Even though you feel like you hit that bump at 30 MPH, you have to start over that other side.
The person you lost would tell you that you have a life to live. You have to live life for those who need you. Though perhaps your view of life changed on top of that speed bump? Perhaps we live life, take those chances, love with all we have and know that life hurts and we have had hurts and sorrows in this life. That we make so many things a priority in life when they were just a necessity to live this life. That perhaps we have put so much importance on our jobs, other’s expectations that we actually see life in a different view. That we maintain this sense of thankfulness for what our past memories blessed us with, the life we are given, the blessing of being loved and sharing this love, not fearful of the pain of giving our hearts away but embrace the moments we have. That we look at our parents more tenderly, our children with more patience and care, to those that we let into our lives on such an intimate level hive more of ourselves. That maybe we be choosey about who we invite to the table of our lives as not everyone needs a seat at your table. Love those around you but love even more on those closest to you.
Time marches on, the speed bumps may be many or few. How we navigate those speed bumps is up to the driver, it is up to you it is up to me. We can all be the driving instructor and tell someone what to do, but the person driving is in control. This has been a big speed bump for myself and my family. We aren’t unique as there are so many of you who have traveled or will travel this highway. For those of you who are navigating this journey currently, don’t lose your way. It is a curvy road with unexpected twists and turns and bumps. No google map can navigate this trip. Your heart, soul, strength and faith will guide you. To those who have traveled this road, you are so very brave. You have survived a deep hurt and loss and you are facing each day, each step. The speed bumps are in your rear view mirror, not as intimidating but still a reminder of what you have endured and survived. For those of you who haven’t faced this chapter, please make the most of everyday. Make memories, take pictures, laugh and absorb the very essence of everyday and know that the speed bumps can sneak up on you, and sometimes you slam those front tires over it or you slowly work your way across. The speed bumps will always be there, don’t be afraid or intimidated. Take each bump one at a time.
Time marches on and time passes. In the swells of grief it passes at such an odd time and meter. Grief comes in waves and tears flow and smiles bloom with such memories. Hearts ache and souls search for peace. Bodies crave sleep, a kind touch a simple word. Space is needed to process what has happened and moments of stillness with your thoughts and prayers are needed. So yes life, you keep marching forward the speed bumps are there. Life for others continues while you time travel in yours. I try to be cognizant that life is moving forward for others and pray they remember mine is in a time warp. Life pushes me forward with work, being a mom and all the responsibilities of a single mom, but may I keep my mom close in mind and heart and physical space. Life keeps pushing and we keep pushing back. Sometims weakly sometimes full force. So let’s use time to our advantage and live more, love more, laugh more. To make the memories, to grow from the challenges of the speed bumps in our lives, to enjoy the drive. Listen to music loudly, not to be lost in a sea of life demands and maybe demand a little more of life. Time marches on and I am so thankful for those that are in my life right now, more than you know. I have had speed bumps a plenty in my rear view mirror, but the point is they didnt keep me from the people in my life right now. So let’s march with time, march a little bit to our own drum and to march straight to the people we love with open arms and hearts. Loss shows us so much at once and we cling so much to loved ones during this time. My hope and prayer is we continue to cling and hold close to these same people as time marches further away from this time of loss. Time you may march on but I am going to make the most of this march in time, speed bumps and all.
