Time flies by no matter what we are doing. It marches on one second into the next. Seconds turn to minutes and minutes to hours and hour into days, days to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. We are fortunate to be present while the clock ticks. Sometimes we are present in to moments and sometimes the moments tear us away from the present. Stop and think about the moments we take for granted, the moments that have been a part of our lives and the moments we want to have in our lives.
Today marks two years since my dad had his last moment here on earth. There were so many moments in life, so much he did and experienced, how hard he worked, how he lived life. The moments I know nothing about, the moments that were for him alone or with mom. The moment he took his last breath is a moment etched into my heart and brain forever. The moments that have occured since he passed, the moments in our world and our lives. Think about it, two years worth of life since he left his earthly life. What have I done with those moments? What sleep have I lost, what have I worried about, what moments have mattered to me? How about you?
I have had a dear friend say good bye to her mother in her last moments as her mom left this earthly world. A friend who lost her baby, a friend who has her dear family with health issues, a friend just tested positive for Covid, a family member who is out in this world and has become a part of mine, a dear friend with work struggles and possible moves, a young mom navigating being a new mom and coming back to work, a mother and sister waiting for their home to be completed. There has been so much loss, hurt, so much strife and uncertainty. This doesn’t even include people I don’t know. Saying goodbye to someone in death is so hard. Dad’s face in his last moment haunted my dreams and still can, I lose my breath sometimes. I see my grandmother in her final moments and think about her moment that changed from earth to heaven. My dear Aunts and Uncles and cousins and my granny, all taken that final moment here. I know each of you who have loss have thought that. That one moment when your heart breaks and your mind can’t wrap around the loss.
Then I start to be thankful for the moments. Think about this, through all the hard crap in life, through pain and sorrow and loss, there is joy. Joy because someone was in your life, joy for the love that was felt by being loved, by those silly family moments, those holidays, those arguments that families have, those moments we took for granted. It hurts like hell to say goodbye but there is joy in that hurt because of all the moments that are wrapped in your mind and heart. There is joy because you were brave to love. There is joy for those that believe there is more than this earthly realm and that your loved one is no longer suffering but basking in Glory. There is such bravery, there is such love that is wrapped in the person you loss. For the mom who has lost her baby, right now the joy feels far away, the answers not forthcoming, but the love she had already for this little unborn child who was lost so soon, will be a love she will carry through the heartache. We all carry that love through the heartache.
I have written before about being divorced and how that made me feel. And it was a hard chapter in my life. BUT, without that chapter, I wouldn’t have my kids, I wouldn’t have found a strength in me to stand up for myself. To find a strength that I didn’t know existed. To take a chance on love brought me my kids and some good moments before the bad ones. It taught me what kind of partner I didn’t want. It has made me question marriage, it surely has made me overthink relationships. Still through all the ugly, there was joy. Joy that brought me to this moment in time. Joy to be able to find joy again. I sometimes say and think, what could someone see in me. When I see me through His eyes, I see a glimpse of joy and beauty. Through the tough moments with my dad where we disagreed, where we had words and hurt feelings, I still see the joy on his face when he saw my mom, when he held my kids, when he did Snapchat with my sister. Through the tough moments and wonderful moments, the moments of joy should outweigh the sorrow. I want to have so many more moments of joy and less moments of pain and sorrow. I want to make people feel my love, feel for a moment beyond the days circumstances so that one day they recognize a moment we had when my moments are no more. Does that make sense?
We all miss my dad everyday, each with their own thoughts and reasons. He was the anchor, the fix it all guy, the one to lend a hand, to play a joke or tease, the quiet man who didn’t say much and let his eyebrows speak for him. A man who would give you the shirt off his back and not think twice about it, the man who loved gospel music, my mom and to putter in the yard. I am glad he didn’t have to face Covid, his lungs couldn’t face the challenge, his spirit would have had a hard time being locked down on quarantine. I am glad he can breathe again, that he is pain free. That first year was a hard year. For those of you have lost someone, the year of firsts is hard, first holidays, birthdays, realizing you can’t pick up the phone or visit them. But just like those seconds that tick off, healing happens to. The scab gets tougher but the tears still leak out on occasion. The laughter comes back as you walk down memory lane, the moments of joy can outweigh the moment of loss. The loss never goes away, but the love rings through. Don’t let those minutes go by without letting someone know what they mean. Don’t get so loss in feeling justified and judgemental about your stance that you alienate someone. Don’t be so prideful that you can’t humble yourself to another person. Don’t question why someone loves you but embrace it–this is something I am trying to do. All these moments that we think matter in being politically correct, working ourselves to exhaustion, pushing people away because of our past baggage and hurts, fear of making a moment count, fear of being silly, fear of just being real. We rob ourselves of moments everyday and our moments aren’t guaranteed. My dad told myself and my sister that we had one life to live and to live it. That was a challenge and wisdom. He worked hard his whole life and sometimes work became his life. A trait he passed to us. My work is a big part of my life and there are so many moments that have shaped my life because of that work. But I need more. How about you? My dad hung on and fought to the very end. And not because he didn’t know where he was going, it was the people he didn’t want to let go of. He lives in our minds and hearts everyday. That gravestone is an earthly reminder of who he was. The day he was born and the day he died. But the moments that existed between those two dates, that dash, there were so many moments. Not to ever take away from the moment of his first breath and cradled in his mother’s arms nor the moment of his last breath when he held my hand. But the moments in between of his adventures on a farm, his first love, graduation, the Army, marrying my mom, sickness and sadness, raising two girls, work, softball, fishing, ginseng hunting, family, driving too fast and getting speeding tickets and the moments go on. The moments of joy he saw through his eyes and the moments of joy he brought. Isn’t that what we all want? To live in the dash, to live in moments and make memories. That is some of the most precious things that no amount of wealth, work, or worry will ever take away.
So hard to believe two years have gone by. So hard to believe the moments that led up to that moment. So thankful for all the moments in between. I was blessed to be raised by my parents, blessed for the love and even the disagreements. So brave to want more moments in my life for those I love and that love me. So filled with the desire to bring moments and memories along this journey. The seconds tick off and the minutes add up and how blessed are we to have that opportunity no matter the hurt, no matter the sorrow, there is always love, there is always hope. Love on the people in your life. Love them for who they are because sometimes they can’t love themselves. Don’t be so caught up in rules and expectations and past hurts that you lose out on the moments. I wish there were more moments with my dad, for all those that have passed away that I loved, but I am so thankful I had those moments. Covid has robbed us of relationships and missed moments. We have robbed ourselves from moments by our expectations, our fear, our unwillingness to be brave. Let’s not let the clock continue to click off more time that we can make moments that matter. If you are in my life, thank you for the moments you have blessed me with, thank you for letting me be a part of your moments. Thank you for the memories we have shared, our moments in time.To my family, the moments are like grains of sand and mean more than you know. To my kids, their moments are etched in my mind and heart.To my family who always stand beside me It is so important for the people in my life to know what they mean. Life is short and time is a thief. My dad’s death reminds me of this everyday. I want to live in the dash. How about you? Make every second count because they turn into time that marches on. Dad you are forever loved and forever missed until the day I am called home. I love you Dad.
