So here we have almost completed another month in a year like no other. Pandemic,masks, civil unrest, opinions that fly around faster than a hummingbirds wings. It has been one of the most challenging years for this generation, my generation. I think there is more negativity and division than I have never seen before.
I wasn’t there to witness some of the major challenges, historical events or just the day to day struggles most went through. I remember some simple things yet memorable. I remember stores closed on Sundays, Sunday family dinners and the Wonderful world of Disney. Houses without air conditioning as well as cars. I remember you better respect your parents and people in authority. I remember going to school and getting homework done once you got home and then you had free time. I remember the gas shortage during Carter’s presidency. I remember the simple times. I remember that beach trip after high school graduation, cruising Patton. I remember the Challenger explosion. I remember 9/11, Desert Storm and Dessert Shield. I remember feeling safe as a kid and even a teenager. As I became an adult with more responsibilities and life, I felt more and more aware and sometimes less safe in our world and with other people. I guess I sometimes yearn to be in those simpler times with people that were normal. People that cared for their family and neighbors, not out of guilt or glory but truly cared. I have seen my mom and dad push beyond fatigue and worry and their own health issues to stand in the gap for someone else. I saw my dad give so much to his job because he was a hard worker, yet to see that job replace him as soon as he retired without another thought. I am slowly realizing all the lessons life has tried to teach me and lessons from those who truly care about me. Dad telling me to live my life and not just for my job that will eventually replace me like all jobs will but to live life as he struggled to breathe on his last days in this earthly life.And realizing there is a balance to life and people. And some people try to sometimes off set that balance. I see where we once were a united nation to fall into a nation of division. I see where we once liked each other and didn’t compete against each other. I see where we once cared about each other and not destroy one another.
I remember that there were people who had different opinions but we still got along. I remember people being more genuine and not so superficial. Hindsight is always 20/20 and in this world of 2020, I feel like my vision may be more acute– even without the bifocals.
I have had people in my pathways of life, people that I respected, have worked beside, carried their hurts and their laughter. I am coming to realize these were just seasons in life. I am realizing that sometimes you can give your all and people will take and take until you are a shell and they move on. For a long time I have felt self doubt and what could I do differently to matter to others as much as they matter to me. Why do some of us feel so much while others feed off of those feelings? That is a question that runs in a huge circle. And why is it sometimes people only see things one way? I have had some recent conversations, and some out of the blue, that have made me feel bewildered and honestly a bit pissed. There are people out there that are going to hate you for being you. Your work ethic or opinions or honestly being able to spot their BS a mile away, they are the ones who try to be the speed bumps in life. They are the ones who carry tales back and forth, that stir the proverbial pot while smiling sweetly sipping their tea. Those that smile to your face and stab you in the back. They stir things up and then slink away not worrying about the fallout. It is like people know what someone’s weakness is, their vulnerable spots. And while they are pushing those buttons, we let them and respond. Our buttons are pushed and we feel attacked, we feel deeply about what is said and what we did to cause this issue. And we keep thinking about it while those who dropped in have moved on to someone or something else Well, I have come to the conclusion we haven’t done one damn thing. We were there when some of these people were at their lowest, we were a listening ear and encourager and we gave a part of our heart and head space for them. Then these same people move on, they see things through their eyes how they want to see them and they believe what makes them feel better. Now you may say this all sounds like I am bitter. I am not. I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to let these people continue to steal my joy and drain me of my peace. Not today you heiffers!
I had a previous co worker message me out of the blue, like over a year since we had conversed. She felt the need to inform me of how I didn’t support her during a hard time in her life and part of this was encouraged from rumors someone had told her. I am not above reproach and I am not a perfect person. However, I am also not a child to be scolded based on rumors of someone who wanted to cause disention. I became upset and really looked at myself and the role that I could have played to cause this hurt. Then I got mad. I give more of myself because that is who I am. I got mad because this person dropped back into my life to “school me” and dropped away just as quickly. Then I got even more mad about the people that drop in and out of my life based on what their needs may be. How are people like that? How do some people use and abuse you, take what you have to offer and then go away? How do some people feel like this is ok? A call out of the blue to express a need that requires their immediate attention but can’t spare a moment otherwise There are people out there that will suck out everything you have to offer and then they get upset if you stand up for yourself or they drop you once you have become a shell. I have seen this more and more in my life and others. Then I see in my life how my job and the people there have taken alot of my time and attention and tears while yet a small few have been there through the ups and downs of our lives and the laughter and love that is a balm to my heart
Now listen, I am not bitter nor am I a victim. I have willingly given of myself to my job, the people I have worked beside and worked for. I have given myself to my family and friends and for those I love. I can’t change who I am but I can stand up for myself and you can to. When we are people pleasers, when we are empaths, when we are people who give more than they receive, we have to learn to protect ourselves and not change who we are. I have had the priveleged of working with so many different people, to have made so many friends, so many coworkers. I have learned alot from the people in my life and the circumstances that have happened, good and bad. Each of those shaping me. I listed all the things I remembered from an earlier time. Sometimes I wonder if some of these people had a simpler time or was their life always to cause turmoil. Maybe it is a sign of the times. Instead of celebrating and appreciating each other, instead of talking with each other we talk at each other. Maybe I am just tired, maybe I am caring a little less. And well that thought pisses me off as well. Whenever I have stood up for myself there have been people to stand away. I have to realize this isn’t on me but them.
You guys don’t know me, you don’t know all of my story just the parts I want you to know. But isn’t that true for everyone? You can judge me on what you know and I could do the same and shame on us both. We each have a lifetime of experiences and stories, triumphs and failures. Those that truly know us know the good and bad and love us no matter what. Those that decide to dip in and out of your lives or choose not to really see you for who you are– they are the ones to lose out. I am still trying to find my voice. I am 52 and still trying to find it. I am realizing that I have poured so much into my job, to some people who used me, to my kids and I have realized that I haven’t poured very much into me. We as women do that. We as people do that. In the year 2020, hindsight has become 20/20. I am realizing how much I need to change, the anxiety I need to let go, the need to have people like me. Now I am not going to be a Karen of the world, but I am not a punching bag anymore. I am trying to declare this here and in writing to remind myself, and maybe you, that we are more than the crumbs we are thrown. We are more than the negative talk to ourselves, the negative talk of others. We are not what we have to offer but we are here to be the person’s we were created to be.
I look back through life so far. I look back at the wasted energy of wanting to fit in. The peer pressure of a teen, the inner calling to pursue nursing. The romance of marriage and the horrors of betrayal and abuse. The struggles and joys of motherhood and the worries that don’t end. Having a child with special needs and another child excel academically. Facing the world as a single parent and sole parent to your kids and bringing the emotional support they need and working to provide a roof over their heads. Then there is work. A place where we sometimes are there more than our families. You form friendships and become a part of each other’s lives. I have been working since I was 15. I have worked in retail in the beginning to the medical field and been in that field for 32 years. There have been so many people and so many patients in my life. And I thought in theirs. I have worked for men and women. I have worked beside women that have encouraged me and made me want to be a better person and nurse. I have worked beside people who taught me who I don’t want to be. I have worked with people who give, not just materialistic but with their hearts and I have worked for some that give but remind you that you still owe them. Think about your lives and your work lives– bet each of you have someone come to your mind in each of those categories. Think about your home lives–the obstacles you have overcome and the joys and sorrows. It is life.
So my conundrum of thoughts continues and this may not make a bit of sense to you, it barely does to me at times. Just like our world right now doesn’t make sense. I think I am finding a sense of me, a sense of what I want and don’t want. I don’t want to be the stressed out person on someone’s puppet strings. I don’t want to be the crotchety woman at home or work. I don’t want people stealing my joy. I don’t want to be a second thought it a maybe it a stand by, I want to matter. So this is a new day and take notice people and maybe you will want to do the same in your lives. I am cutting those strings. If you want to be in my life you need to bring as much to the table as you take. You need to not take me for granted and I promise to do the same. Don’t drop in and out of my life at your convenience, need, or to lecture me. You don’t get that privelege anymore. I will always be cordial and kind, but you don’t get to manipulate me. You have helped me realize that words can be empty and actions can be more. Words lashed out in hurt and anger that can leave a scar just like a slap. I am not a puppet but a person. A person that has a heart, that has encouraged you when no one else did, a friend because that is who I am and your friend out of love not out of what you could give me. And a friend that could be friends with more than one person, a friend that could keep your confidences and stand in the gap. But a friend that can’t tolerate being disrespected anymore. To those haters out there, well life is short and there are more things to hate than on each other. I am tired of apologizing for my knowledge and work skills, tired of apologizing for the woman I am. I am tired of those who are the soul draining people in life. It has taken me a long time to get here and there are many days that I don’t like what I see in the mirror, my flaws and my lack of external beauty. But then I see a woman who is silly and loving who truly wants peace and be an encourager and who has survived trials of life. Yeah I am me. It is time for me to remove the strings from the puppet masters in life and tie those strings to the life lines that matter in my life. Tie them more to Him that loves me flaws and all, to the people who truly love me for me, for my kids and for my inner circle. I am always going to be a people pleaser, I just am going to be more choosey. More choosey on who I let in and let them stay. For those that chose to only be in my life for a season, for those that are the haters, for those that feel the need to exert some authority in my life, well I wish you well and many blessings and maybe moments that you truly see things for how they were. To my ex-husband who still left the scars of our time together and the mental damage that ensued, I wish you well and that you find the peace your soul needs. To those in my life that love me for me, you mean more to me than words can say (and we know I have a lot of words). To my kids who are my heartbeat, thank you for letting me be your mom. To my family that loves me and knows me and despite all of that is my lifeline. These recent conversations and events have made me think, have made me ponder life, have made me aggravated and mad but most of all they have taught me of who and what matters. How about you? Any strings needing cutting, weeds need trimming? If no one has told you today, you matter. You are flawed but so are all of us, you are amazing as the person you were made to be. So let’s try a new day, let’s try to be the people we were meant to be, that we be the friend we want in our lives and that we love on each other. Stay well and stay safe and thank you for entertaining my conundrum of thoughts!❤️