Hey there! How are you guys doing. March is almost done and April is coming around the bend. Time keeps marching on. So how are you really doing? Still hanging in there I hope. The pandemic continues, the debates about vaccines, masks, social distancing and the list goes on. How has it been one year since this all started? It has been a struggle for everyone– physically, financially, emotionally. Some people have lost family members, some have residual effects from Covid physically. It has effected everyone emotionally, on top of other battles. Anybody, does this sound familiar? We are meant to be social beings, to touch and hug, to interact. Now granted when we had the chance to do this, we didn’t always partake but now that we can’t it feels like we are more out of touch.
So maybe stop and think for a minute for the stress we feel, and think about those who were home bound before this happened. Or if they are abused, or suffer from the fear of leaving their home in general and add panic of exposure to a virus. Someone who is abused and can’t even leave the house even more so due to the control that they are under. Think about the teens who so want to see their wild oats and they are clamped down with the pandemic. I talk to women in my job all day long. They each have different challenges and hurts, pasts and futures. Just like each of us. We all have things in our pasts we don’t want to discuss, things we heal from but even though healed those issues lurk in the shadows. We all are dealing with a hurt that sometimes sneaks it way back in. Think about this, do you have any of these issues or thoughts? If you don’t, well you are an anomaly.
I say too much in this blog. I share alot of thoughts or experiences, probably much to the dismay of my family. I can’t be anyone but myself. I will admit, there are times anxiety leaks it way into my life and my actions. Negative self talk and questions of self worth, these all go hand in hand. I have had some mean things said to me over the years and usually the person who said them knew my weaknesses. They knew it would hurt me in a form or fashion and they would move along. I would focus, and admittedly sometimes still focus. I had never thought myself an anxious person but as I have aged, anxiety has amped up some. My ex husband and my one other long term relationship, well things were said or not said that still carries over. Being emotionally unavailable men or said men making me feel bad for being overly emotional. I have battled with both of those issues. Anyone who knows me knows I sometimes over text. I text back quickly as I don’t want someone to think I am not responsive. I become anxious at times when I don’t get a response of some form or fashion. So my apologies to anyone if I have over text you. I have thought about this issue I have most recently. This isn’t an excuse by any means, but I think when I have over text or over discussed feelings or emotions is because I have had some who have left me hanging. Treated me as an option and that eroded my confidence. I have a busy job, single mom of two kids, we all have busy lives. But being left on read for hours on end….well I become anxious that something happened to you, there is something about me that you find displeasing or somehow I have bothered someone. Now that is a messed up thought process I know. I am slowly realizing it may have nothing to do with me. It may be lots of other reasons. But I have let other people’s behavior effect me and my relationships. So I am still giving these people power over me and letting them effect me and my interactions. Honestly it makes one look like they are crazy. I am not crazy just sometimes need reassurance. Someone in my life would text me and tell me how there could be a bad situation or he was sick and then when I would respond he wouldn’t respond back. So when I care about someone, well that makes me wonder what happened to you if you are in a bad situation or ill. When I over text I was told I was being needy and that he wasn’t paying me attention. Please know when people get anxious it isn’t about attention. It can be an insecurity, it may be concer for your well being, it can be that their words being jumbled it may be they have low self worth. My ex husband had told me no one would ever want me again after we divorced. I have forgiven him but sometimes those words poke their way into my mind. Soooo….if you have been on the receiving end of my double texts or my awkward words at times or over caring….well that is me. I have known what it is like to not matter and well I make sure anyone who is in my circle know they matter to me. I apologize for being anxious, it just happens. Anyone with anxiety at times knows what this feels like. So for those who have past issues, they creep back in. It doesn’t mean they aren’t healed, they are just human.
Maybe that is why they try so hard and maybe even more now. Isolation and changes in circumstances and less human interaction makes anyone feel anxious. Some feel depressed by the isolation. Some feel that they are swimming through mud. Some don’t even make it out of the bed to swim in the mud. Some suffer with neglect and abuse. They suffer from infidelity of a partner, self doubt they can survive without their partner and then the anxiety kicks back in. Do you see the gerbil wheel? All of this situations happens on a daily basis and it is hard stuff. Every single person has had some type of trauma or hurt in their lives. Moments of weakness of the flesh, the emotional affairs, the feeling of not finding their person, the feeling of wanting to get rid of their person. So much goes on in our minds and hearts. No matter how we heal and no matter the pep talks and the self examination, the doubt creeps in. Am I what that person wants or why do they not get in touch what is wrong with me….well there is nothing wrong with you and you have to tell yourself that (I will insert here that I have this talk alot and sometimes I don’t listen. Not everyone we like is going to like us back in the manner we want or expect). Or my last partner cheated on me and I have trust issues (insert all of us here, not just me….it can’t be all about me!) Or my last partner didn’t fill my love tank and I chased him or her like Mrs. Roper or Mrs. Robinson or Jack from that popular sitcom. Or my previous partner abused me physically and/or emotionally (both hurt–one leaves a mark on the skin and the other leaves marks on the heart and mind, again I can identify with this). There are all these terms now—ghosting, gaslighting, narcissistic tendencies, over loving, dial toning (being deaf to your cries for love and leave you on read) Astrologer (basing your date on their astrology sign) Glamboozled ( you get all dolled up and fancy for a date and they no show/ghost you— yep this one sucks I know!!) Eclipsing (the partners hobbies or activities overshadow yours) l. All of this with a internet search. No wonder we are anxious….we have terms for all the messed up ways we hurt each other.
Someone posted all women are nuts and a men are scum. This is such a wrong statement. Women aren’t nuts. We are emotional beings who are capable of love and caring and multi tasking and for nurturing. Yes we can over do it on all these things and I have done that at times. It doesn’t make us crazy. From talking to women and myself, we become “crazy” when we are not heard or appreciated. We become a little unglued when we try to be present to get all glam and then we get to hear how hot someone else was or how we are needy or bossy but not appreciated. Not all men are scum. Men have some emotional needs that they don’t talk about. They have hurts that build their walls as high as all of our own walls. Not all men cheat and cat around, not all men are abusive,not all men are the same. We spend so much time and energy to assigning terms and to looking at filling roles to play versus what we need to be doing most of the time. In my mind, my experiences in life it should get pretty easy despite all the complications we out into the mix. These are my thoughts from talking to women for the last31 years as a nurse.
Women want to be heard….from the minor details to the major concerns in their life. They want you to listen to them and not blow them off . They want to know they matter and they are appreciated. That they look beautiful when they feel the least attractive. It isn’t all about the physical beauty— the beauty from their heart and soul, the work they put in at home, their job, the kids. They want help around the house and I can guarantee you, you help do the dishes you will be doing the dishes later. The small moments, the simplest of gestures. It doesn’t have to be huge diamonds and extravagant tokens. Let them take a bath with no interruptions, plan a date, take them for a drive and kiss them under the stars. No matter how long you have been in a relationship, still romance them. Make time as a couple. Don’t be so focused on jobs and kids that you forget you are a couple. Fill up the love tanks, communicate. We as women love to talk,and obviously write too many words. Active listening and being heard are as just as special as any piece of jewelry.
Now I have talked to men as well and guy friends so listen up ladies. Men want to be heard as much as we do. They love the kids, they love you, but they want attention to. They aren’t just an ATM to meet your financial needs. They want to be appreciated for their hard work and told what that means. Men are hunters and protectors and honestly ladies we have emasculated our men. Now I am not all into the caveman experience, however when we view men as less masculine and strip them of being men, well that caveman looks pretty damn good right now. Men want to be appreciated, they want passion. We as women get bogged down in our minds and have 20 different tabs open in our brain. So while we are bending over to get clothes out of the dryer and already thinking the next chore, well your man sees that round backside he fell in love with and he isn’t thinking about any household chores. Then some women are like if you helped me with chores maybe you could have this fine realestate of an ass….then by that time the man has lost that thought and he moves on to his video game. Women tell your man what would help and what you need, they love to fix things as much as we do to make it better. Men tell your lady you appreciate her, value her and desire her. Women tell your man the same and none of this sex only on birthdays and anniversary. Men if you help your woman around the house, she has more time and energy for you. Women if he helps around the house, you give him that time for physical affection and connection. Men want to be appreciated and valued, they want to know they are found attractive and desirable the same as us women. Women get out of the roommate phase and back to the lover phase. Surprise your man, plan things he will enjoy, quit wearing that tshirt held together by holes. Work as hard on yourselves,men and women, as when you were dating. Never stop courting. All of these things have been talked about alot by different people. And somehow I went from anxiety to relationship advice, the train derailed folks. Anxiety ties into this when the relationship falters, when communication breaks down and expectations are unattainable or unequivocal. Anxious thoughts of not being desired, concerns about cheating, etc. Not every man or woman cheats, not every man or woman emotionally abuses or hurts their partner. We all have to take a leap of faith and trust. We all step off the ledge and hopefully into the arms that hold you until your last breath.
Above all else, there is someone who holds each of us everyday. In the bible, do not fear is mentioned 365 times. One for everyday of the year. Do you think that is coincidental? For every human flaw and disappointment, there is the One who carries us through and wants good for us. We just have to get out of our own way. Phillipians 4:6-7. Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer nd supplication with thanksgiving make your needs known into God. While we are busy fliting about and anxiety causing us detriment, we have a map for our anxiety. It isn’t easy, never said it was. Some days I struggle a bit more than others. I am not blaming my past or people in my past as I make my choices for today. I admit I struggle at times of never feeling like I am enough for someone or question why I feel so much and want to love so much. But that is just me, take it or leave it. How about you? Stop and really reflect on who you are, what triggers you and how you can respond without driving yourself and everyone else away. I know I am doing alot of reflecting and healing right now. I know I was never needy in my texts or attention, it came from a place of care and concern. Not everyone can receive what you have to offer. Doesn’t make them bad not does it you. If a person is emotionally shut down due to their trauma, lend your support and encourage don’t add to the shut down process. We all are fighting a battle so don’t judge someone on what is said when emotions run high, or the double text trying to express feelings, or the awkward silence….realize they fight a battle they don’t discuss. They want to lay the battle down but they need to know someone will help slay the dragons and help them grow as a person. We all fight battles seen and unseen. Put on that armor and help someone fight the battles as the reward is like no other. Be kind to each other, in a world that is losing morality, decency and compassion, be a light in the dark world, don’t put that light under a bushel. Let your light shine so someone else learns to glow through what they are growing through. Battles no matter how trivial to some are all still battles. Stay well, stay healthy, let someone know they matter no matter their past or their challenges. Make today better than yesterday and may tomorrow be better than the day before.
