So as I sit here, the week is almost through.
Where did the time go and not much did we do.
The week seemed short and the time just flew.
A time of respite but why did I feel so blue?
So I posted earlier in the week about our staycation and that week is coming to a close quickly. For some reason, this vacation has had me more blue and teary then I have been in a long time. I look at my kids and realize they aren’t kids anymore and I became teary. Thinking about this is my daughter’s last summer before she leaves for college and I got teary. Took my son to a train shop 2.5 hours away and wasn’t excited in all honesty about going. Then his face lit up like the 5 year old boy he once was and the gratitude he expressed about making the trip, yep I cried. My dad being back in the hospital and I cried. I look back at the times when they were little and staycations would pass in their books. They are older now and let’s face it, 9 days with boring old mom on a budget isn’t as much fun as a little kid with glow sticks and watching movies in the dark and driving for ice cream in your pajamas. To have a few of those moments again.
Don’t get me wrong, this has been a week of rest and accomplished a few major tasks that I can’t make happen during working hours. A couple of things that I hope turn out to be some major life changes for my son and helping my daughter make the transition to college. I think this has added to me being a weepy woman this week. Who am I kidding, I can weep without a reason. Realizing that my kids are growing up and time is flying by, well that is exciting and wonderful to see their horizons broaden but still makes old mom here feel wistful.
They have never once complained this week and I know they want to do more than we ever do and that is when the mom guilt creeps in. I beat myself up that I have disappointed them. That I have let them down. That we haven’t made enough memories and well guess what– I cried. My dad has been very ill and life has been stressful. And there isn’t anything I can do to change it or help him or my mom. A lot of life happenings at once it seems. I have been like a toddler–happy one minute, pouty the next, and then hungry and yep you guessed crying! Family celebrations didnt happen, missed spending extra time with a special someone and again back to the guilt. Always the guilt and then the tears lol.
I, of course, had that talk with myself. That I am blessed beyond belief with 2 healthy kids, a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. That we opened our eyes each day and had another day to try again. I get aggravated wanting more moments, more time, that I want to matter and that somebody wants me and maybe make me a priority. Then again that reasonable heffer shows up and says it isn’t all about you Stephanie and be thankful for what you have and quit having expectations and just get a grip. I told her I wanted to be pouty and I just want alot and she informed me I was old enough where my wants won’t hurt me. That heffer always poking her nose in my thoughts lol. And she gets in my thoughts but doesn’t take away the guilt of just sometimes feeling not being enough or doing enough or ease the worry that can happen as well.
Those people out there that don’t suffer with guilt, well you are my heroes. How do you do that? Hand out that advice please! This journey as a single mom has had me battling fatigue and guilt and an extra helping of worry. Now I am not saying any of this for pity or attention. I am being real. Life isn’t always rainbows and sprinkles and I am a pretty positive person most days, but every now and then life sucks. So no pity party, not seeking sympathy. I am just letting the mask slip away and letting everyone know there is strength in vulnerability and power in being real. And I am not afraid of showing the not so perfect side. Life is real and maybe if one person reads that they don’t struggle alone, well it is worth it. We as parents can sometimes struggle with guilt, worry are we raising our kids appropriately and preparing them for life, are they safe, are they happy. I have worried about the lack of male influence on my kids (their pop has done amazing but it has just been the 3 of us for 16 years) how will they fare in adult relationships (believe me the statistics have you believing your kids are going to falter and live a life of failed relationships and questionable morals and decisions). And then the guilt comes back around of how they didnt ask for this journey and what could I have done better and differently.
Well then that little heffer comes back in my thoughts– but she is a glamorous goddess kind of heffer– that reminds me I have tried to do the best I can, that I am far from perfect but that I try. That no one is standing in line to pat me on the back or a standing ovation because the reward is seeing my children excel despite me and my shortcomings and choices their dad made, that is the reward. To see them excel and thrive and be happy. Then she gets a bit sweeter with me and tells me that I am pretty cool for an old mom and that life isn’t like it was as a teenager and that I do matter. That just because people can’t love or express at the same level doesn’t mean they don’t care and that it is ok to be whisked off of our feet every now and then but be reasonable. I remind her I would like to run away and be like the women in the romance novels and just feel a myriad of emotions other than tears. She reminds me I am normal and that reality is better than fantasy. She reminds me to quit being so hard on myself and we all know that sometimes is hard to do.
So we didn’t dip our toes in the sand, we didnt go far away, no kisses under a moonlit sky, no time spent with family due to circumstances out of our control and I shed more than my share of tears. BUT, we rested and saw a movie, made a road trip for a train dream to happen, spent simple moments together and discovered some new pathways for hopefully more independence for both kids. So my heffer goddess has tried to shut down the windmills of my mind and plugged my tear ducts and has advised me that I should enjoy the rest of the weekend, to have the best cup of coffee in the morning and an amazing beer on the patio in the evening and to just breathe. And if I get a kiss, well I guess that is a bonus. So, if you are out there struggling with guilt and over active tear ducts, well just know you aren’t alone and tomorrow is a new day.
One thing we tried to do was re-create a picture from when my kids were younger. They have grown and the lake landscape changed but somehow this felt important for me to try to take this picture again. So remember you moms with younger kids, the days seem long and sometimes you feel like you want to scream and not hear the incessant toddler babble. But cherish each moment as they all fly by so fast. The days of dressing a wiggly toddler and fidgeting with a car seat feel overwhelming until your child becomes their own grown up person driving that car into this crazy society to find their place and make a mark on this world. It goes by in a blink of an eye and an ocean of tears and a heart full of love.
