Hey everyone. Hope you guys are doing well. My most favorite time of year is approaching so that is always an amazing time. You guys don’t know how many times I have started an entry just to not finish it. Do you ever get so many thoughts on your mind that sometimes they all criss cross and don’t make any sense? Or they just continue to weigh you down and you can’t just articulate what you want to say? I have been on that vortex of late. There is just so many thoughts and feelings and if you know me, I am always so full of both and been told full of more than that.
It just seems that there is so much going on in our world from Afghanistan to our home borders. There is so much hurt in our world. I work in women’s health and Covid, life challenges, loss of pregnancies, people wanting to be pregnant, depression and just life struggles seem to abound. Then you add on life responsibilities and people are exhausted. I get exhausted. There is so much hurt in our world and people are hurting. Division of vaccine or no vaccines, political opinions, division at every corner. Then you add on personal struggles. It is alot. Like most women, I want to help people with their struggles, to listen to help and sometimes you can’t help everyone and help yourself. Sometimes you can get so lost in your own world. Do you ever do that?
I was watching church on line and a lady was telling her story. She married later in life and her and her husband were excited everyday to see each other. Both were Christians and were living life. He was at work and had a seizure and was diagnosed with brain tumors and lived a little over a year. Her story hit me. So many stories have hit me lately and some I can’t share due to privacy of others. All these stories show me how short life is. How we all scurry around and we play at life but do we realize what is important in life? It isn’t the material things, it is the people in your life. It isn’t unfulfilled expectations but realistic goals. It is the people in your life. It is your family, it is your coworkers, it is the people who your heart beats for. I hear people complain about their spouses and I want to shake them to be thankful for a spouse. I hear people complain about so many things that others would give their right arm for. I have seen and personally witness people pretend to be someone they are not just to get further ahead. When and where did we get so lost?
Life isn’t all about finding your partner in life but wow how much sweeter life would be to have life to share with someone. Life isn’t all about the perfect moments we post on social media but the life we live behind the scenes. Life isn’t always smooth sailing and there are arguments and hurts and disappointments. Those moments help us figure out who we are. At this point in life I know who I am but ready for a few others to figure it out. I am finding people don’t want you to be real or be yourself. Or they invite you to be real and who you are just to have you open up and they turn away. I have this fear of being without love. I am not afraid of being alone as I have been alone for a long time. Even in a relationship, I was alone. I want to have that love story in my second half of life. And not with just anyone but with someone who is meant for me. Not someone who wants to play with my heart or emotions or just to make me a conquest. I dont want to be the woman who has to Uber to her next colonoscopy or sits alone in a movie theater. Life can be so much by sharing moments, to have someone in your corner, someone who your heart beats for and they care for your heart. Yeah I am all in my feelings today.
If you are married or have your person, be so very thankful. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t go to bed angry, don’t forget to be thankful for all you have. If you are in the dating world, my apologies and sympathy to you. This is a hard world. People can’t be honest or play with people’s emotions. People have forgotten how to treat others the way they want to be treated. Some awaken feelings just to run away, some are so hurt that they have so many walls up they are afraid to be hurt. Some of us are so real it scares people or they doubt you really are who you say you are. We as humans have been so cruel to people. We have caused so much hurt in people that they have so many scars it makes them have a lack of trust. What happen to us as people? Same things happen in people’s marriages. Infidelity, lack of communication. Taking each other for granted. That woman I saw this morning, she was so brave. They found each other and celebrated their love, she was brave to battle his cancer along side him, she knew her priorities. It is so hard to be brave and vulnerable and such hurt can happen. But she loved and loved him from what she said. Life is fleeting and we all are wasting so many moments by playing games. Don’t play games with people or their hearts. Whatever your reason for doing so is on you that play the games. By doing that you are robbing people and hurting their hearts. That really can go for all kinds of relationships. Friends, co workers, lovers, spouses, families.
People say they love but that word gets thrown around like a football. Love is more than the butterflies and attraction. Love is more than just being related. Love is hard, love is soft, love is putting someone above your needs. Love is all encompassing. Love is real not pretend. This woman’s story, you could hear the love in her voice and see it on her face, you could hear the hurt from losing the man she loved. You could hear the love she had for finding a church home and the strength in healing. That is special. Don’t ignore the ones in your life. Be thankful for the silly arguments, be thankful for the annoying habits of your person, be thankful for your friendships and family. Not everyone has people in their life that love them and want the best for them. Some people travel such a lonely road and want what you complain about.
I do know why all this weighs heavy on me and I normally write about uplifting things or silly thoughts. Today feels different. Life feels different. I imagine you are feeling that too. It feels heavy some days. I think we all are Covid weary, I think we are in a constant fight or flight feeling. I think we are searching. Searching for security and peace, some searching for validation and some searching for acceptance. Searching for love and elusive people, searching to heal. Searching for peace and happiness. Searching for moments and memories. There are some who search for their next victim, search to have their egos fed. Some search with fear that they may find what they are looking for. Some are looking for answers and some don’t even know what they are looking for. What are you searching for? Are you searching just to be searching for something to do or are you searching for your heart’s desire?
There is just so much sometimes. Sometimes I feel I am too much. How about you? Are you tired of living in the shallow end and want something deeper? If you think about it, we are a shallow world. We don’t want to go to deep because it may hurt us. We don’t want to be involved because then we may cars and then when we care we can get hurt. We don’t want to go deep as that requires bravery and vulnerability. We don’t want to be honest as well that may make someone not like you. What games we play and how much time we are wasting. Watching that woman today, seeing that she survived the storm of life and her life was enriched by love she shared, I was touched. I want that even though it could hurt. I want more than just work and responsibilities on my own. How about you? How about where you are right now….do you truly appreciate what you have or do you realize how blessed you are?
We just marked 20 years since 9/11. Think about those families who would love one more hug, one more kiss from their loved one. How those people that were lost didn’t see their children grow up and how those kids faced this life. Life is so fleeting and so precious. It doesn’t take the atrocious act to think about life or for some maybe it does. Life is so precious, people should be even more precious. Moments should be more than just time we are marking. Atleast I think so. We are a weary nation, a confused people and well it is just sad. So what are you going to do about it? What am I going to do about it? I am going to keep being me, flaws and all. I am going to keep being real even though it usually gets me hurt. I am going to treat people the way I want to be treated and realize that not all people can handle that. That is on you not me. I am going to try and love on the sandpaper people in life, be more thankful, be more encouraging not only others but to myself. If some people can’t handle that, I feel sorry for you. We need to be more real and more kind now than ever before. We need to be a light. We need to just be better people.
This entry feels like I have rambled. I probably have. My heart has felt heavy and hurt. Hurt for people I have encountered, hurt for people that have hurt me. Hurt for people that question who I am, people who just question everyone. How about you? How do we heal the hurts and still love? How do we navigate this crazy world? One day at a time my friends is the only way I know. How about you? Love on the ones in your life, be brave and be true. Be you as you are amazing. I will be me and me is pretty damn amazing herself!
