A new month, time keeps rushing by. My mom always said that the older you get the faster time goes by. She was so right. This month is a birthday month for me as well. I am moving up that age ladder! I will be 53. That doesn’t seem possible! I feel like it was just yesterday that I was graduating high school, nursing school, married, first and second time mom…then life got crazy and the rest of the years flew by. Life got crazy and now when I look back I wonder how we (me and my kids) survived and I know that I dont have that same energy anymore. There are things I would like to do over, things I wish that worked out different, but that journey brought me here to today.
I have always been way too honest in this blog and for some that is too much. I have had a very bad habit of putting myself down over the years. I have always felt like I have never measured up to others. I wasn’t the skinny, popular high school girl, I have never been skinny lol. I always felt in some ways I never measured up. I felt like a failure when my marriage failed. We divorced because there was anger and abuse and he chose that path versus one of peace and love. I felt like I failed which was so very twisted for the reason that our marriage didn’t survive. I then poured all I had into raising our kids and did it on my own. I worked full time and had two kids who only had one parent now. My family loved on us and supported us as we traveled the life of an untraditional family. I had a lot of words and thoughts about myself, trying to be a good mom, good nurse but never felt like I was good in all areas. Working 40+ hours a week, kids, laundry, cook, homework, bath time and trying to have a little fun in there was all I could manage. I loved my kids with all I had and still do. Somehow I forgot to love myself along the way. I give love freely to everyone else and not myself. And I have been told that I put myself down alot. I do. It is a defense mechanism to hurt myself before anyone else has a chance to. It is unhealthy and it is negative. How about you? Do you have things that you are negative about? We all have baggage and past hurts, past disappointments. So I may verbalize my negative talk, some keep it tucked inside and may not verbalize it but their actions show what they are thinking.
Negative self talk is negative. Pure and simple. I look at myself and see a woman getting older, a body that is far far from perfect by today’s standards. I know that I may not be attractive to alot of men. My outward shell is a middle age woman (and my inner goddess just shivered and popped a Xanax because in her mind we are not this age and well we hope we are still found attractive). We as a society are always arriving to look younger, fashionable, youthful. Some of us have put ourselves on a back burner. I am not making excuses just saying life gets challenging. I tried to make memories for my kids, I didn’t always count calories but did count a budget. I worked but didn’t work out. I have never been one of those women who juggles it all well, I just juggle and now jiggle. See I let that flow right out and didn’t think twice about it with that comment. How about you, what do you let flow without thinking? Or maybe you don’t let it flow. Maybe you keep things so locked down. You harbor your past hurts and think that everyone will hurt you the same? You judge everyone in your life like someone from your past or you have been so hurt that you keep others from getting close? I can honestly say my past hurts have made me more cautious and aware but I know that not every man will be like an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, I know that I sometimes can hurt myself more with what I feel are my shortcomings. I had a man tell me once I was cute but needed to tone up, I have had a man say he likes to date heavy women and one who admitted to a foot fetish. I think his was a normal statement compared to the other two and that is saying something. Neither one of those first two are great compliments if you think about it. How about something like, you are an amazing woman with a good heart despite thick thighs and junk in the trunk? What if the roles were reversed and a woman said something like you are a cute guy except for a receding hair line or you are sexy for a man with small genitalia? Doesn’t sit too well. Off handed remarks about a physical appearance can wound. It is a hard cycle to break, that lack of self worth based on other’s views. So sometimes your own view becomes cloudy. Just like the view some have when someone hurts them or breaks their trust or says all you women are the same. Just because one person or multiple persons hurt you, not everyone is the same. My ex was emotionally abusive, not every man is abusive but some are emotionally unavailable. Your wife may have cheated on you or your husband, not every man or woman is the same. You have been so wounded from your hurts that the scar never heals, well you don’t get to wound another person to make yourself feel better. And this takes me back around to why I sometimes wound myself before anyone else has a chance to.
I am not skinny nor am I grotesquely large, I identify as fluffy. In today’s world, that isn’t a good identity. You must either be super skinny and pretty and not show any sign of aging or you are one of the ones they identify as ‘cute but not my type’ Arkansas two bagger ( a bag over your face and one over his in case your bag falls off). Entering the dating world after being single for so long was eye opening. Fluffy isn’t a good quality on a dating site or in real life or for the majority of men. We all get so hung up on this physical attraction and a notch on the bedpost for some that we miss the whole person. I think I have just wanted to be seen as a whole person not just the sum of my parts no matter what shape they are in. When you want someone to look beyond the outside, sometimes there isn’t anyone that wants that view. Hence the merry go round of low self worth. Women and men struggle with how they look. I have seen some women who are outside societal norm for body shape and they are some of the most confident women I know and truly they are my heros. They don’t care they are fluffy they own it. I have seen men who are full bodied who look down their nose at a woman who is full bodied. There is a small percentage of men who just love women for being women We all want to be desired and found attractive, when we aren’t we feel we don’t measure up in some way.
I don’t write this for any reason other than to just get it off my thought process. I don’t write this seeking praise or attention or to be told I am cute for a fluffy woman. I need to break the cycle of putting myself down. How about you? We each have things we don’t like about ourselves. Some we display or talk about and some we keep so hidden it effects us everyday and those around us. How did we all get here? What happen to seeing a person for who they were– their character and morals, their loyalty and trust, their heart? Instead it is the breast size in front of that heart, the size of their backside or package. I want my outside to look different. When people see someone fluffier they equate it with over eating or being lazy. Just like if man has a belly it must be a beer belly. It is that quick judgement. So what if I said I have had chronic thyroid disease since my son was born, I have an auto immune issue where my muscles and bones ache to the point of distraction and that I am the only person to support my family so I give everything to my job and running a house? Well to some that sounds like an excuse so why bother letting people in and let them think what they think. How about the man who works long hours to provide for his family and gives money to his kids instead of a gym, does that make him less attractive with a dad bod? Dad bods are in and mom boss are shamed, go figure. I have gone off on a different train of thought here but you get the point.
So how do I break this negative self talk you say? Well it seems to be a daily battle. It seems to be a challenge and a self protection mechanism. You can’t hurt me if I hurt myself first. But those hurts pile up. I see me and don’t like the way I look but I keep working on it. If you don’t like the way I look (from here on out and I am practicing this so bear with me) then you are the one losing out. I have thighs that touch, a bubble butt, cellulite and am squishy. If you judge me on that, well shame on you. Because behind those features is a woman of worth. A woman who has been through alot in her life, has managed to give birth and raise two amazing human beings. I am someone’s daughter and sister. I am a good nurse who learns something new everyday. I stumble and fall and fail daily but I keep getting back up. If you are loved by me, then you are so completely loved. I don’t do things half way. I have been hurt but I still believe in love. I have been used yet still want to give. I have been ignored, made to feel unwanted and told I am needy and yet I can shower someone with attention and time and let them know they are wanted. So for every negative thing I can find a positive and I am going to be better about seeing myself in a positive light. You don’t want to compliment me, I will do so myself. You don’t like my thick thighs or fupa, well I have a warm place to tuck my hands and my fupa resulted from birthing my kids. For every flaw you find in me there is one in yourself. For every flaw I see in me, I need to see how that flaw happened and not each of them meant a failure. When my son was younger and would be upset with himself for not understanding things or a hard time making friends and he felt I worthy, I would ask him if God makes junk? And he would say no, then I would say don’t put yourself down because He made you. Guess it is about time I ask myself that question and take an apple out of my own sack of advice. How about you? What things about you physically, mentally or emotionally need to deal with or break a habit? We all have them. I spout mine out like verbal vomit, some of you hide them behind walls you refuse to let be breached. We each are flawed, none of us are perfect. Those that proclaim perfection have a ton of stuff hiding behind the facade of spanx and regrets. You don’t like my body, well sometimes I don’t either. It has let me down in many ways and yet in so many ways it has been amazing. You don’t like my attitude or thoughts or personality, well bless your heart and you take care. I am quick to forgive and slow to anger (unless it is my kids or family or if I know something is wrong or being wrongly accused– well I am like a banty rooster and you better look out). I am working on me everyday, how about you? I have been told to be more confident and put myself down less, how about you? While you tell someone to stop putting themselves down, what do you do to lift them up? How about in general, do you lift people up or do you just let them flounder, do you use them as your personal sounding board and forget they need to talk to. Or do you put them down while you are telling them to quit doing the same? Or do you close yourself off behind the gated walls because you are just as afraid as I am? Alot of questions and alot spoken and unspoken.
I am always to real and say too much, but I can’t be anyone other than who I am and who I was created to be. I am trying hard to stop the self deprivation and self loathing. What are you trying hard at? We all are trying each and everyday, that is all we can do. So when you see someone trying, how about a little grace, a little smile and a bit of encouragement. We all need those now more than ever. So me and my inner goddess are going to meal prep and take a nap and agree that we did a good job for today!
