Hey all. I haven’t written as much here, more personal musings and things I am keeping close for my mental process. Hope everyone is ready for some fall weather and some relief. Our world is crazy and life isn’t slowing down it seems. I think so much stress and so much turmoil seems to beckon at every turn. Are you’ all tired if it? I sure am! Some of the turmoil we invite onto our lives and some just shows up and some just won’t go away.
I titled this feelings as I seem to stay in mine a lot more lately. I am not sure why. Ever feel that you are so tender that everything hits the wrong way, that hurts seem magnified, that life just puts you in your feelings. What a variety of feelings they are as well….. The feeling of joy when you see a baby’s smile, your kids succeed, happy news for someone close to you. Happiness is just puppies and rainbows. Peace for when your world is in such a state you will not be shaken, you are in your zen bubble. These are the feelings we strive for everyday, the good feel, oxytocin feelings. The butterfly of new romance and of continued love. But then these other feelings jump in and rear their ugly head….insecurity, jealousy, anger, sadness. Don’t get me wrong, sadness happens to gain strength through the storm, to feel sorrow has us grow and recognize our blessings. I guess it is what we do with the negative emotions and react that makes us human.
I have two episodes, well probably more than two, where my feelings have been center stage. If anyone knows me they know I don t care halfway, I am all in. I have been told I smother sometimes (which is never my intent) I just know what it feels like to not to feel important or have care returned. I am just an empathetic, caring woman. One instance is where someone I have known for years and years, he felt the need to give me some dating advice and basically called me out on my being a thick woman and was I letting men know I wasn’t skinny and preparing them for my ginormous ass ( that part I added for sarcastic flair!). It was more than that which was said but I am paraphrasing so I don’t get my hackles raised up again. I felt shock, betrayal, anger, and hurt. I don’t need someone to blow rainbows up my butt, but I don’t need someone to rip them back out either. So many feelings and thoughts it left me speechless, which again is hard to believe for me. Instead of owning how he wounded me, he tried to put it under the feeling of keeping it real from a man’s perspective, friendly advice, that false advertising is misleading. I am realizing after I lost my cool and most of my appropriate language and a few tears, that people can’t be expected to treat you the way you treat them. That verbal vomit can stink as much as real vomit and what power I handed over to him with the vitrol I spewed defending my feelings when he could give two cents about feelings of mine but how his was friendly advice from a man’s point of view was just his duty. So to set the record straight, I don’t identify as a Barbie, I am not skinny nor am I ginormous! I am thick and full. I openly reveal that. Some have been catfished with the way others look, so surely I was accused of the same. When you share with someone insecurities and they wave it like a red flag, well time you start noticing the colors of the flag. My feelings over took my lady like demeanor, my flesh side jumped in like two midgets in a jello wrestling match, my heart was hurt by someone who I kept his heart safe when he was hurting. So lessons learned. And listen, I don’t put alot of personal accounts on the blogs and I don’t do that to shame or embarrass or pull anyone to my side. I am simply writing about thoughts and breaking it down for me. All things don’t fall under the guise of friendly advice when you know it is being anything but friendly. Do people lash out to make their hurts less? Do people really think they have all the answers? Do people even care about feelings anymore or is it just get what is coming to you and forget the rest? And again I am not the size of the fat lady at the circus….just needed to reiterate that….
So those feelings are flowing like hot lava. Then the day unfolds. A woman shared with me her husband was hospitalized for Covid, intubated in ICU and she shared her concerns. She then talked to me as another human being. Describing their marriage, their life and she wasn’t ready to let him go, her soulmate, her world. The hurt in her voice was so raw, the tone of her voice was in shock and felt like everything was surreal. The thoughts she was processing and the fear made my heart beat fast. Hearing her describe their love, I became overwhelmed. I am always good about keeping myself together when it comes to my profession and my friends. I keep calm until we get through it. Maybe I was feeling raw today, maybe I needed to be the one to talk with her. She asked if I was married and I said no and a whole other sea of emotions came crashing down like an ocean wave. The feeling of such exasperation in her voice and the decisions to be made and the overwhelming concern in her voice for this man that was her soulmate. Then that defeated attitude that lurks in the corner of my mind of maybe never finding a love in the second chapter here, of never knowing the joy and closeness of one who holds you so dear knocked on my heart. The feelings of why them and the feeling of being helpless to make it better for them. I kept my composure but I wanted to cry right with her. It gave me the emotion of my dad on a ventilator, fighting to stay with his soulmate in my mom. The tears leaked out like a summer rain. My heart aches for the journey she was on and my arms longed to hold someone close to me, and fear grabbed my heart of never having the love of my life.
With those feelings flowing and each one coming up like a bobber on the water, it was mind numbing and exhausting. I then looked over these two scenarios. I let someone’s half assed opinion shake me to my very core while another man battled for his life while the woman he loved no matter the size couldn’t go and hold his hand. That all the outward appearances didn’t matter as her heart felt adrift. Well it put alot in prospective. I let someone steal my joy and insult me because they felt they could and I lost sleep and got upset and verbal vomited to no avail. And this woman wants to have her husband live to face another day. She wants her soulmate, we all do no matter what size they come in. I felt a bit adrift myself for both sets of feelings and the tears came back. I could see myself with my dad when he died and the hurt my mom endured with the loss of her soulmate. I saw me alone, I saw friends in a whole different light. So many feelings.
The other feeling that jumped in was indifference, and feeling ashamed. Indifference as that opinions shouldn’t effect my life, that it hurts my character or my well being. Did those words threaten the air I breathe? Nope, hurt my pride and my expectations of a friend YES but I survived. Ashamed to be so upset when this lady’s heart is fighting to keep her other half alive. Ashamed that I felt alone and admittedly envious that she found her soulmate. It put so much in perspective. That our feelings are valid and vital but not vicious or vindictive. It put in perspective that the small stuff that happens pales in comparison to the big picture.
Feelings are a menagerie of thoughts, emotions and actions. It is how we handle those emotions and who we trust to catch us when we are depleted from so much caring. Feelings are part of everyday life and really should be handled with extra care and not tossed around. You like someone, go for it and give your heart a chance, Someone says you hurt them, actively listen to that person and fix the situation. Don’t discount their feelings. If someone is hurt, walk beside them and be an anchor in their storm. (My heart hurt for her, she was lost in a sea of emotions and her life with her husband was flowing through her mind. I got to listen to her, I dried my tears as it was her storm that needed an anchor). Perspective should be a feeling. It is a view of feelings, of what they mean and what you do with them and to realize that there are so many struggles.
Covid has caused such havoc on our lives. People currently fighting it, long term Covid effecting people I personally know, people out of work, people working themselves to a frazzle, parents sick and some are terminal. Loss of loved ones, friendships under strain, people who can’t be truthful for their intent or portray to be something they are not. There are so many lonely people in this world, so many hurting people, so many just trying to do the best they can to ride this wave of life. Their feelings pile up like the grains of sand on the shore. Their feelings matter. Yours matter. Don’t let anyone degrade your feelings, they are yours and they matter. The flip side is to not let those feelings rule our whole lives. Touch those feelings, recognize them, accept them and validate them. But then move forward as best you can. Don’t be ashamed of how you feel but be responsible how you handle your own feelings and someone else’s. This lady has been on my heart all day and I so hope he pulls through so they have more sunrises to share. My friends friendly advice is a thorn in my side but that thorn is so miniscule in comparison to real life issues. My singleness hurts my heart but my heart is brave enough to wait for the one that my heart feels at peace and safe. My heart hurts for a dear lady whose mother isn’t well and may not be here on this earth much longer. The fear of people contracting Covid, the fear of the unknown can overwhelm the steadiest of sailors! So someone questions my appearance is really so trivial. But I can still feel the way I do! You can too.
The best feeling is love…if you are married or have a life partner, love on them. Appreciate them, don’t let a day go by that they don’t feel your love. Life is fleeting and we aren’t promised tomorrow. Be brave and be bold. Be true to who you are and to someone else. It doesn’t cost a dime to show someone they are loved. No feelings are hurt in showing love, actually those feelings intensify. Think about first moments, butterflies batting around in time to your heart, remember that feeling of anticipation and falling head over heels? Seeing that sweet old couple walking and holding hands, the tender touches the sweet words. The love of a parent and child. The love of a friend, love of a pet, just love. The tie that bonds every single one of us, even if we choose to run away from love.
Feelings and emotions sometimes outweigh rational thoughts. Sometimes I wonder why we must be so rational? Yes, I know we can’t fling ourselves into situations based on feelings, BUT have we as humans become so cynical that we discount feelings and emotions or only care about our own feelings? I know who I am, I know that I am a ball of thoughts, emotions and feelings. I know I can recognize someone’s feelings before they recognize it themselves. I would rather feel deeply, laugh long and love with all I am versus being calculating and discounting someone’s worth based on their looks or their lot in life. I would rather be the anchor for someone to share like this lady did and see love through her eyes then to be closed off from those feelingd.I am not being pious but being real. People are exhausted right now, lonely right now, trying to survive right now. Such perspective was gained. Accusations of false advertising of ones appearance (and let me just add in here women are accused of make up and filters to lure men in and catfishing….well there are some men Hat fishing….looking so different with a hat on, men who say they are looking for one thing but seeking something else). Sorry had to get that off my chest. All of that pales in comparison of life and death. The bravery and vulnerability to truly feel for someone, to bare that emotion, to carry the burden of love…that is the bigger picture!
So feelings….whoa feelings (I know you just wanted to sing that!) Be thankful you can feel. Don’t become so numb that you don’t feel. Don’t take for granted feelings freely given. Honestly, don’t take anyone for granted. We are living in a time like no other right now, people are weary and so much is transpiring. So maybe we should be inspired to be more, feel more, love more. Corinthians 13 says it all. The basic feeling and emotion that ties us all together….love. Stay well, stay happy, stay real, stay true. Stay true to who you are because you are amazing for all your flaws and feelings, you are loved. I would rather be all in my feelings than to live a fruitless and false life. So with feelings flowing my dears, if you are in my life I have feelings for you, if you cross my path I will feel for you and your situation, if I don’t know you well I feel for the loss of not knowing you. Feelings don’t rule a life but give it dimension. So be dynamic in those dimensions! Recognize feelings aren’t always reciprocated, but the lessons to be learned. Now I feel I must close as life responsibilities knock on my door and I have the feeling work awaits!
