Well I was supposed to be committing to writing more. I have been awake since 3 this morning, woke up and couldn’t sleep. My mind was wondering I guess or whomever had me in their dreams kept me awake, hahaha. Anyways it is Friday and we have made it through another work week, unless you have to work the weekend and if so I am sorry for that! So while I was mindlessly scrolling memes and social media instead of sleeping, I just kept thinking. Something new and different. Thinking about sometimes how we forget how amazing life can be.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am Covid weary, weary of all that we are going through. I know each of you are as well. We get in the treadmills of life and we forget what a life we have. I know I do. I have been sharing a few thoughts on social media, thoughts of different things I love. Kind of like in November we post what we are thankful for. Made me start thinking what I really love and what I need to focus on and not forgetting what matters. Sometimes we love so much and we forget to love ourselves. We put so much energy into work and life and responsibilities that we lose a piece of who we are and what we want. What do you want? What makes you happy? Alot to think about at times. I think we sometimes lose sight of what it is that we want or need or what it feels like to just be happy. Especially during these times we are in right now.
I was having a conversation in a group setting a while back. When leaving, someone asked if I really meant what I said or was I just saying stuff. Well I didn’t think much about that comment then but I have now. It has made me realize that I always want to be real, say what I think, want what matters and make others feel that they matter. Sometimes we all hide behind the fear of being judged, fearing what others may think. That sometimes some people keep up so many walls and facades that they become as thick as the walls they have built. Kind of unmoving, unwilling to let those defenses down and open the windows to reality. We all have a past and present and blessed to have a future. Sometimes we can live too much in any era. This just made me think about myself and others. Sometimes not everyone needs to breech those walls, some walls are there for your protection, sometimes there are times when you need to invite people to come sit on that porch and visit and sometimes you need to stroll in the garden and just listen. Sometimes you have to realize what matters, what you want and shed the judgement of people. Now this doesn’t mean go streaking down the road or rob a bank. It means that, in my opinion, you should be yourself, that you should be the person you love and remember what matters.
Think about what matters to you, what do you want out of each day? What do you love about yourself or others? What do you love? Find something positive everyday in a world that makes us feel anything but positive. Maybe we start being better conductors in this train of life. Maybe we be a bit silly, a bit day dreamy, a bit serious, a bit flirty and sassy, maybe we be just us. I have always been a deep thinker, look beyond the surface of actions and words, a memory that doesn’t forget easily. So some of those things can be amazing and some can break your own heart. I am sassy and flirty, thoughtful and caring, responsible and loyal and a whole conundrum of thoughts. How about you? Who are you and what matters to you? Jot it down and think about it. We write grocery lists and bills, cards to others, social media posts, etc. How about writing something to yourself. Either digitally, in a journal or in your heart. I will go first and this may surprise you but I will be vulnerable and open and well I don’t want to forget what matters
I would tell myself that I was sorry for choices I had made but I knew I made the best choice at the time. That sometimes people come in your life for a reason or a season and not all are blessings but lessons. Forgive yourself for the divorce and for the choices your ex made that weren’t your choices. To tell me that I have been a good mom and have been blessed with two great kids. I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and hope they forgive me as well. I would tell myself that I was really proud that I have raised two kids as a single mom for 18 years. I would tell myself to stop the negative talk and to realize that my hourglass has always had more sand, that my body has done amazing things, that I may not be everyone’s cup of tea but I am an amazing cup of coffee. That I gave my heart to some who didn’t know what to do with it, and honestly my body as well. But their lack of love shouldn’t make me love less. That the only way I have made it this far has not been by my own accord but by the love of my family and by the grace of God. Life hasn’t always been easy but it has been blessed, blessed because I have come this far. That I love car rides singing to music, that I love to get lost in a book. I love whip cream on my coffee, a cold beer or glass of wine. I love to laugh and flirt, I love being kissed and I live romance, I love that I am a woman. I love my family. I love making someone feel special, I love the sanctuary of my home, I love God. How about you? What would you say to yourself? What would you say to yourself to turn this next corner in this crazy maze of life?
Well I will go again. I am telling myself to stop hiding my light. That I am worthy of love. That my heart should never stop caring, my lips should never stop smiling and my laughter should happen everyday. That I give myself grace when I get tired, that I can only juggle so many things and that I am far from perfect. That I am blessed with the most amazing family and friends. That my mind is full of thoughts and my heart is full of love, my hands long to be held and my flesh has a mind of its own. That passion isn’t anything to be ashamed of but should be fanned and appreciated. That I need to quit saying I am sorry. That I recognize what makes me anxious and for those in my life to not downgrade it but walk beside me. That it is ok to be me. Taken me almost my whole 52 years to get here and that I still have further to go to not forget what matters.
So I am getting up today and getting dressed for me. Put in my sexy panties, make up and getting dressed for me. I am going to listen to my music too loud and sing off key. I may flirt, post something sassy. I am going to do my job to the best of my ability. I am going to spend time with my kids. This weekend I may have an adult beverage and read a romance novel and let my mind wander. I will read my devotionals and spend some time in prayer and reflection. See I am both sides, actually many sides, sometimes cantradicting and sometime harmonious. We each have these sides but are so afraid to let them be seen. I am tired of tucking myself away. I am tired of not mattering. How about you? Come on you know while you are reading this you are thinking I am either crazy or really real. You are thinking that I am over sharing yet you have read to this far. We don’t have to overshare, but just share. To be real, to feel and dream, to decide the paths we want to travel. Where do you want to travel? What matters to you? My God, my kids, my family, my job, my well-being matter to me. Other people matter to me. I have been an over thinker, over feeling, over loving person my whole life and been made to feel bad about that. I don’t feel bad anymore because that is me. If that upsets or bothers someone then I don’t matter to them. How about you? What have you been your whole life and what do you want for this next chapter?
This blog seems to have gone on too long I guess. I know an odd path of thought but I have lots of odd paths. Life is flying by. I talk to people everyday with their hurts and life challenges, their depression and fears. Everyone wanting to have their thoughts or feelings recognized, the want to matter in their significant others life, or those seeking to find someone or recovering from the hurt caused by someone. People facing cancer, the loss of a baby, surgery. All major life changes. It made me think about all the things we worry about and stress about sometimes doesn’t matter. You matter and I matter. If to no one else then to ourselves. And that should be a good thing. May we each not forget what matters but that we matter. No matter the issue, hang ups, size, past mistakes, YOU matter, I matter. We matter to the One who made us, we matter and have a reason to be here. So make today matter, laugh today, make someone smile, forgive yourself, surprise someone, be sassy and silly, be you! That is what I plan to do today! And know you matter always!
