Happy Friday! We have made it to the end of the week. THANK GOODNESS! How was your full week of work after the holidays? Did you feel like myself, that this week lasted a month but also flew by? It is hard to get back in the groove of things after time off.
Ok, so here is my rant….
Have you ever found yourself cruising through social media, in the safety of your own bubble mind you, and you get a message that pops that bubble? A proposition to be a “special friend” or we have mutual friends and can we go out? I am not a prude, I have a sense of who I am and what I want. In no way am I judging others for their lifestyle but please don’t message someone to ask them to be my FWB–someone whom I have never met in person, someone who is wanting a side chick. Why is this ok? I was on a mainstream social media site not a dating site that has little fish as a logo. What I post is a portion of who I am but not all I am. There isn’t anything on my posts that say ‘hey proposition me’. I may post silly stuff or memes but that is it. Social media has brought people back into my life, it keeps me up to date with friends and family but that is it. I don’t know why this certain message pissed me off, but it did. How about you, have you ever gotten messages that invade your bubble?
Now again, social media has brought people in my life that have blessed me and changed my life, and social media can and it can be fun. I think what made me mad was the message of just between us connotation, that someone only wanted me for that aspect. I have done my time in the on-line dating world. I know a little bit about how this dating as a grown adult in a virtual world goes. I feel the same now as I did then, I know I am worth more and want more to be just a side piece. I can say I got messages when on line dating that were forward like this, but those were bottom feeders looking for the flesh side of life. Only a wham/bam/thank you ma’am encounter, here is your hat what us your hurry kind of date. Then there were those looking for fulfillment of a fetish. Again, no judgement here and the weird side of me wanted to know why they had the fetish. The first date I had in 13 years—yes I went 13 plus years not dating–which then made me an anomaly, believe me. Anyways, my first date was with a man with a foot fetish. Well, I wanted to know why feet. Curiosity kills the cat but I was curious. It is the number one fetish. He was very open about why he liked feet and what it meant to him. My closed toe, covered feet had the date end quickly. EXCEPT for the follow up message requesting a pic of my foot. Hmmm…. There are alot if fetishes out there and again, the brain side of me wanted to know why. I didn’t judge and probably asked questions out of morbid curiosity. Even with the twists that this posed to a person, they never were anything but who they were. They were open to what started their tractor and tolerated my inquisitive questions. It was an open dialogue but never an assumption I would be that special friend.
I went out with a couple of men that were sweet, respectful and I learned a bit about myself and what I wanted and for sure what I didn’t want. I heard different stories, saw dating as a divorced adult through eyes other than my own. If my electronic device is tracked, I also looked up aforementioned fetishes to understand why someone would want and need this. I am if nothing else but thorough. BUT, I was on a dating app and I was placing myself in a position to be messaged and to make choices to engage or block and run for the hills.
Not everyone was a fan of me trying this to meet people. I understand that. There is a scary side to this form of dating. Amd yes, I met some down right assholes–sorry for the language but very true. Dating and connecting with people today, in my humble opinion, is so different from the 1980s. We all have these cute bags that are packed with our life experiences that affect our outlook on love and relationships. Hurts and hang ups, expectations and wants and we are saddled with that baggage while trying to find someone who wants to help you unpack. We work way too much. For me, a single mom of two kids, work in a field of female health care (and I am heterosexual just saying and you don’t date patients no matter your orientation). At church, the majority are married or “young singles” or “mature singles” and really do you go to church to date? Nope! I am too old for the bar scene, so options are limited. I am not the only one with those thoughts. Ok, right now you are saying—she keeps talking about dating but got her knickers in a knot about a message. And I am admitting that there are limited options for dating. But dating because you want to be with that person versus you just want to hook up with that person are two different things.
It is the context of that message that makes me mad. If someone is interested in someone as a person, message the crap out of that person. Get to know that person. But don’t send a message that says this must stay between me and you and I want you for FWB. Again no judgement and what works for you works for you. My thoughts about receiving that message on messenger is many and varied. If I were to ever consider this– which I am assuring you for this stage in my life this is not what I want– I would think there would need to be some thoughtful insight.
First, you actually need to be my friend. Not my social media friend, not a friend of a friend, but actually know someone. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with knowing your wants and needs, however polite society you should atleast get to know the whole person and not just what lies beneath their clothes. Thirdly, have you ever seen this person in daily life, seen them in person in their natural habitat, seen them as a person and not just an ends to a sexual need? Fourthly, do you really think you are don juan and my panties will hit the floor based on such a direct and over assuming proposition? Fifthly, I better stop there as I may cross more lines than I already have.
What gives someone a right to cross that line? The response was your profile says you are single and I like your energy. So do I need to change a relationship status to avoid this in the future? Is it too much to ask for common decency and respect? I am a hopeless romantic. Do I want to be found attractive not only in looks but heart? You bet I do, we all do. Do I believe in respect? Yes we all should. Do I believe that “courting” and getting to know someone should happen before you try to jump my bones, I do. Do I want to be someone’s dirty little secret or a partner they are proud of, well the second one wins out everytime. Do I believe that I understand why relationships are kept off of social media to protect what you are working on? I do. Not because you are ashamed, but there are somethings that the whole world doesn’t need to know. I know I am a contradiction as I shared some of my dating history during this blog. BUT, I only share what I want you to know. There is a whole lot that you couldn’t begin to know about me and my life, just what I choose to share. Do you see a theme here that choice plays a role in our lives? Choices from what we post, who we date, choices for what you want in life.
When this same person sent a message two months ago with that same proposition and then again most recently (those that are my friends on social media, this man is not my friend on social media anymore) the answer was swift and sure. And it wasn’t a invitation for netflix and chill. It was more indignant on my part. Then it made me mad as I have guy friends that we say hi to each other, follow each others lives, likes and hearts shared mutually. There are people from years past that are now present in my life because of social media and I am more than thankful for that. So one guy wants to troll for his FWB and that pisses me off. Actually the dating app now associated with this mainstream social media makes me mad. It makes me mad because some people use it like a meat market, just like the other dating apps, and not a meet my person app. Don’t get me wrong here, I have done on line dating. Don’t get me wrong, the physical aspect of a monogamous relationship is amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I like to flirt. But get this right, I deserve better treatment than that kind of message. People have open relationships, people date multiple people, people do their own journey. You do you boo. However, don’t send me a message asking for that relationship when you don’t know me, don’t tell me it needs to be between the two of us, don’t think I am an easy mark because I am single, more mature woman (see I didn’t say middle aged) that seems like I am only worth a roll in the hay. Dude, I am worth way more than a roll in the hay, I am worth the whole damn barn! The whole barn that is in the middle of main street without curtains, sit on a big front porch for all to see worth. Not to be hidden away.
So connecting with others in this fast paced, over worked world. We are a lonely bunch of people. We want to be valued and important. We want to be heard. We want to find the person that sets our hearts on fire and holds our hand. We want someone to hold us and love us. So no matter how much our wants may be, there needs to be a sense of respect and don’t be creepy. Here is a hint for guys and girls….you come across a friend of a friend, you connect with a friend from the past, you are on a dating app. Whatever the format, get to know that person. Slow your roll and think about that person’s thoughts and feelings, not just your nether regions. Those nether region feelings are fantastic, but in my opinion, if you have a deeper connection outside the bedroom the connection of said nether regions becomes even more beautiful. Think about if you would want your daughter propositioned how you just did that message. Think about the guys out there that are good guys and you just added to a sense of distrust.
I have a whole other entry about my thoughts on dating apps and dating as an adult and will save that for another day. Some may feel I am a contradiction as I have talked some about on line dating but am mad about a social media message. Well honestly, that is your problem. My problem is don’t invite me to be a FWB when you can’t even begin to handle the benefits of my friendship. Don’t make me feel I am only worth your sexual pleasure, don’t assume you have the right to cross that line. I am a big girl, if I want to cross any line, well I will let you know. But if I am minding my own business, not interacting with you on line or in real life, if I have not given my consent, then DO NOT proposition me. DO NOT think so little of me or myself that you want a home run before you are even up to bat. Maybe you need some time in the dugout before you can even play with others. What do you think? Would you be flattered or flustered? Would you proceed with the proposition or would you propose a long walk on a short bridge? Would this make you want to be less on social media as there are stalkers checking you out? Can a couple people ruin something that should be a simple joy in life I don’t have all the answers, I am not an angel. I have made my share of mistakes and stumbles. I have been guilty of being in the flesh. I have this odd thought on relationships. I think if you are in one, well there should be two people in that relationship. If that relationshipn isn’t sustaining you, it can’t be worked on and you have exhausted all measures and worked to save it; don’t bring a third into the relationship but end that relationship. If you either are not enough to meet each other’s needs, don’t bring in more people, end things. I believe if you are in a committed relationship then you commit to make it work, don’t commit to look for your kicks in the side. If you want to meet someone, get to know all of them. What happen to romance, talking and sharing before smashing? What happen to respecting each other?
I am a chatty person, verbose to a detriment, hopeless romantic. However, please think about a proposition before you hit the send button. You may receive a tongue lashing and not the one you were seeking. Make good choices people as those choices follow you once made. Just my thoughts……
