This day feels just as long as it did a year ago. A day I grappled with my own grief, my mom’s, my sister’s, my kid’s, my beloved uncles and aunts and cousins. Today, the grief can be as raw and intense as it was that day. Sometimes this all feels very surreal. There are moments that I will never forget and I replay them in my mind more times than I should admit. This day, this moment in time was when my dad left this old, crazy world behind and entered into the presence of our Savior. How can it be a year already? How can it be he really is gone?
Leading up to that day, the last time he was hospitalized, I think he knew how much worse he was that go round. I saw this man through so many different lenses and feelings. The strength my dad always had. He never met a stranger. He always was giving of himself to others. He could quiet me with the arch of his eyebrows. He was a calm strength that never wanted the spotlight but was there to support the people he loved and cared about. The love he had for my mom was true and special and a blessing to witness. The love of family ran deep. His teasing nature, to see him get tickled and laugh until tears rolled down his face. He could be stern and stubborn, he worked hard, really hard. His work ethic was like no other. I saw each one of these things and more as I watched him that long day a year ago. I saw him through the eyes of my sister and the shared memories of our childhood. I saw him through my mom’s eyes of losing her soulmate. I saw him through the eyes of his brothers, the time they spent together growing up, realizing that their brother was going to meet their parents, brothers and sister in heaven. The easy going Jimmy. There were my aunts, cousins, his friends and co workers, his church family. One man, some would say just another man but to us he was our man, our rock. All these memories came flooding back that day and have so much on these many days since. That last 24 hours was a whirlwind of doctors, nurses, shock and emotions. A few moments that made us smile moments that my mom would shake her head in disbelief. A moment that I will never forget that I think God sent to us for comfort and peace for dad and for us all. My dad said he saw a halo surrounding his bed, he said it clear as day and the look on his face was one of the looks I recall. I recall his face during that whole day leading up to his very last breath. What I saw leading up to the last breath replays in my mind and my heart.
In the days that followed, it felt surreal and exhausting. My daughter had to be moved into college for her freshmen year the day after dad died. The details of a funeral, the people, the lack of sleep as you keep replaying the whole day, replaying his last breath, keeping it together and be strong for your kids, worry about mom, my sister, replaying his last moments. Crying and reminiscing, moments of laughter, moments of sadness. Moments with family and friends, moments with people who you don’t know but they know others in your family, the funeral and burial. Then you turn around and life is waiting for you to get back in it and out of your own head. A job waiting, college, responsibilities and you are like, wait my world stopped so you world should slow down for just a moment. I got back to work, try to focus and not cry, focus on others focus on so much until you close your eyes and the moments come trickling down and tears flow.
You realize he really is gone. A couple months after dad passed, my son woke me up at 2 AM saying the power was out. Well it was only out in the bedrooms and well I would never have known there was no power as I was asleep! So that being said, in my sleepy eyed mode it dawned on me that the lights were on downstairs and not upstairs. I went down to the fuse box (yes I said fuse box even though no fuses now!) thinking it could be a breaker that flipped. I looked and thought I better call dad and then stood in my garage and cried realizing I couldn’t call him then I dried it up as he would have told me to and flipped the breaker. Dad was the Mr. Fix It. The man to tinker with tools, make anything mom asked him to, the walking car manual, mow his grass like no other. Which makes me remember when my ex husband first left us, I had our 8 year old and an 18 month old and for the time was still in our house. I mowed the front yard one day while they napped and my dad came over after work and re mowed the yard as my lines were off ( we girls weren’t allowed to mow his yard lol). I digress. Anyways for all the ways I remember him and miss him, there are so many who have their own sets of memories and love and tears for the role he played in their lives. My kids lost their pop, the male influence on their lives when their dad disappeared from theirs. My sister and her own memories and emotions, my mom and her whole world changing as he was her world for many years. And so many more family and people and moments in time.
I miss him. I think of him often. He shows up in my dreams on occasion. I am thankful that he didn’t have to face this pandemic. I feel ashamed for words that were said in our lives and moments that we can’t take back. I feel weak when I complain it is hard to breathe in my mask as I remember watching him struggle to breathe. When I feel I am suffocating, I know he felt that even more. We as a family have had moments where we say he must be watching shaking his head at something that happened and giving that sly grin, or going mhm mhm mhm. And believe me he has probably shook his head alot.
Wow, all these moments. 365 days, 24 hours a day full of moments. Moments from my whole life, moments and memories. Dad showing up at the high school football games because he liked sports but to keep an eye on me. Walking me down the aisle and holding each of his grandchildren in those big hands to then picking me back up through my divorce (I would never gotten through that nightmare without mom and dad and my sister)! The moments of laughter and disagreements, the moments that always seemed like there would be more time to make more memories and more moments. And for everyone of my moments, they are multiplied for everyone that knew and loved my dad. Moments that would never would have happened if he had not captured mom’s heart! I could keep writing and bore you with the details of everyday life that were only special to us. The moments he would aggravate and embarrass us girls, moments he would work to exhaustion, moments of sports, moments of quiet minutes with a book and snores that rocked the house, his way as a card shark, his gift for telling a story and “life lessons”, his nature shows and the “pop kisses” he would give mom when he left for work. Mundane everyday moments that are worth more than gold.
So these moments, we always think we have more, that we can put things off for another day, that we think time is as unlimited as our cell phone data. Well, I am here to tell you I know first hand that isn’t the case, and I know there are alot of you who know this first hand. I have now been present with two of my loved ones as they took their last breath. Those moments come quicker than we want. I know my dad and he would be aggravated about all of this going on that I am doing. He would say to me to stop crying, make sure your mom is ok and make your kids clean up after themselves. He wouldn’t want anyone to make a fuss over him and during the big thunderstorm we have had these past nights, he would have been standing at the door or out on a porch watching the sky unfold with the power of the Almighty. So every moment of this past year has passed with a different time in Heaven. So don’t let a moment go by to tell the ones in your life what they mean to you. Don’t let moments of anger rob you of moments of joy. Take the moments of defeat to shape your success. Make the moments of sorrow and tears as moments that become a balm to your heart. Make each moment count. Take a moment to make sure you know of where you will spend eternity. Take a moment to sit down and talk to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness and salvation so that this specific moment writes your name in His book. The moment He died for our sins He opened a chance for us to make our moments matter. The moment you name Him as your Lord and Savior, your moments in Heaven await. My dad took that moment as a young boy and rededicated his life years later. He was a flawed man, just like each and every one of us are flawed, but he was my Dad. But he took the moment to talk with Jesus so when he took his last labored breath here on earth and left our earthly hands, in a moment he entered into the Kingdom of Heaven and was embraced by the hands of Jesus, and his parents, siblings, cousins, in laws, friends each taking that moment to say welcome home. The moment our hearts fractured, his heart was whole. Wow what a moment that was! No pain, no difficulty breathing, no sorrow, no worries. Our hearts are still bruised, our minds still replay the trials he endured, the struggles during his care and the hole that we still feel from our loss. BUT our hearts rejoice that he is whole and healthy and Lord willing, we will see him again one day. Moments that layer upon layer, moments that stretch on and love that goes to infinity. The love for our dad, her husband, their grandfather, brother, uncle, in laws, cousin, friend, neighbor…we all feel each and every moment, each and every heartbeat, each and every memory. What a blessing to have the hurt, for if we didn’t have this hurt it would mean we would have missed out on the wonderous love of this one man. So take a moment to think of your loved ones that are no longer physically here. Ponder the moments in your life with them. Take a moment to tell someone what they mean to you and don’t let those people leave your life. There are so many hard and negative moments in this world today, don’t let the evil in this world steal your moments. My dad told my sister and I to live our lives as we only circled this earthly one just once. He told us to get mom his specific anniversary present for her as their anniversary was coming up, and he said he loved us. I saw my dad, always so strong always so in control of his emotions face his time that was limited. That moment in time will never leave my heart or mind. Everyday moments become lifetime memories and may we never forget that. We love you Dad and miss you just as much today as we did a year ago. The moments are ticking by and probably mere moments until we see you again. Happy first heavenly birthday Dad!
