I am trying to be different this year. I am trying to be me. I am trying to express myself more and effectively. I am just me. How about you, how are you today and what are you trying to do or be?
I saw a journal starting question and it said ‘How would you describe yourself to someone who didn’t know you’? That made me think so many thoughts and honestly some were the negative words that described myself than the positive. Then I smacked my own hand to try to change that thought process–remember I am trying. So what do you think? How would you describe yourself to someone who doesn’t know you? Would you be real or describe the person you want to be? This then made me think about dating profiles (remember this is titled a conundrum of thoughts and this train travels many tracks). Yes, one tidbit about me is I tried on-line dating (and people let me tell you do I have stories abound, but those may have to wait for a future blog). Those dating profiles, goodness. The majority of people weren’t real, they knew what to say to get the likes, kinda like other social media, but the real person was hidden behind a keyboard and hidden from their true selves.
This went for men and women. The men I met would complain that the women posted older pictures and just weren’t who they said they were. However they were just as guilty for posting a younger, thinner with hair picture. On line dating, much like social media, can be a fantasy world where we project who we want to be or how others see us. Now I am not saying I am a saint, but I was 100% real, much to my detriment. Real thoughts and real pictures and real hopes. Believe me that wasn’t always a big hit in the dating world and it isnt always a big hit in the real world.
So how would I describe me to someone who has never met me? And can I describe that without being negative? You see, I see my life through some harsh lenses, over self critical, sometimes insecure, sometimes plain hysterical. There is no way to describe me and all the layers, just like it is for you. But maybe just a peek at those layers. And maybe we don’t see ourselves like someone else does, maybe we don’t see ourselves like we should. Maybe we start seeing ourselves in a kinder, more thoughtful way. Here it goes, and yes there may be negative connotations and I am trying to be better about that.
Here it goes….
Hey, my name is Stephanie. We haven’t met yet so let me try to describe myself so you can pick me out in the Walmart check out. I am middle aged (ugh), I have naturally curly hair that can look homeless, like pubic hair or blown out straight. I wear glasses to see you better with and helps me stay in my own traffic lane. I am fluffy, curvy, whatever term you want to use. I am not model thin nor ready for my 600 pound life. I have birthed two babies, had a thyroid that hated me and well I love cheese and a good beer or two. I agree with the saying anyone can drive a straight road, but it takes a special man to drive the curves. I got junk in the trunk and that is just one part of me.
I am silly, love to laugh and make others laugh, I think deeply and love even deeper. I am inappropriate with my thoughts and comments, and yes occasionally actions. I love the simple things in life– a good cup of coffee, a glass of wine with a bubble bath, a cold beer with chips and salsa and yes chocolate (I am a woman after all). I love the laughter of my kids and seeing them happy and thriving, they are my heartbeats. Listening to music loudly and singing and dancing be it while driving or cleaning; disappearing into a book where I become the main character. Moments that aren’t to be shared, moments that make my heart feel loved. I try to plan meals and grocery lists, I work hard everyday, my job is mentally exhausting yet fulfilling. Sometimes at work we laugh until we cry and cry because of the hurt. I feel deeply and think way too much, I am a chronic over thinker. If someone doesn’t communicate, well I will have over thought the whole situation. I am harder on myself than anyone has a chance to be, I feel that I can be overwhelming and underwhelming, I feel like I don’t fit in most times, I know I am not all that and a bag of chips but I am more than the crumbs. I am not kind to myself with thoughts about myself or how I see my physical self. The essence of me is pretty amazing though and my heart and soul are the best part of me.
There is more to me than meets the eye and hopefully the external isn’t the only thing that is seen. Our external facade fades and ages just like that favotite front porch. And the wrap around portion can vary (sorry had to say that). The paint may chip, the exterior not as smooth. But the richness of the wood shines through, the storms have weathered the surface and each storm left its mark but yet left that porch stronger. Like that porch invites you to come and sit, our arms and hearts open up to the people in our lives. The warmth and comfort, the stillness of the moment, the realness of life. The stolen kisses, the laughter, the tears, the gains and loss, the comfort of home. That porch is me. All its imperfections and flaws, all of its perfections and attributes. The realness. That is me.
How about you? How about your porch of life? How about we each look at ourselves with a touch more kindness, a touch more realness. While we are looking at ourselves kinder, perhaps we look at others the same. Their porch may be fancier and not chipped or weathered, but we don’t always know what life is like once they close the front door.
So I am a curly haired woman who will laugh with you, is inappropriate but caring, is weak yet strong, makes mistakes but loves Jesus and thankful He loves me. I am that woman in the check out line that tells the cashier why I am buying certsin items for a great recipe while my kids roll their eyes. But I will not be wearing flesh colored leggings and curlers in my hair or in my pajamas at Walmart, I promise you that. I am a conundrum of thoughts and emotions. I am just me and well that is pretty damn good! Who are you my friend?
Yes no glasses in this picture…but I really wear them!!